For once this winter season, the audience will see characters with actual depth, a story line worth following, and true chemistry among members of a family. Although Vikings is about the “untold legendary world of the mighty Norsemen,” this series is at heart a tale of a Viking family.

The head of the family is Ragnar Lothbrock (Travis Fimmel) and he is a doting husband, attentive father, and a young farmer. It’s a life many Vikings would kill to have. Yet Ragnar becomes tired of the placid raids that Chieftain Earl Haraldson (Gabriel Bryne) sends the Vikings on every summer.

Going to the East toward Russia and the Baltic States bring no new resources to the Vikings. The East is just as poor as the raiders themselves. Ragnar converses with his brother Rollo (Clive Standen) about Chieftain Haraldson’s repeating docile missions and how promising the West could possibly be for the Vikings in terms of new materials and resources.

The eventual plot will most likely be around Ragnar and Rollo defying the Chieftain’s orders. They will sail West with their own boat (the comic relief, Floki, builds for Ragnar) and what must eventually be a trusting crew to follow the brothers.

A prospective plot will also be based around the ancient gods whom the Vikings worshipped: Oden, Thor, Freya, and Loki. The promise of a future story line around these ancient gods is just the cherry on top of a well written series with outstanding actors who are truly believable as Vikings.

One of the wonderful key players is Ragnar’s, wife Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick). She is a shield maiden not to be messed with, even at times where she is  home with only her daughter and the men of the house are away. It is a sigh of relief to finally see an actress portray the bad ass character she is written to be. You will cheer her fierceness on and beg for more of it. Winnick is a great choice for the aggressive yet sensual Lagertha.

The reason the series is generally believable is because the actors and scenes portray human emotions in a brilliant manner. The characters are comically open about basic human nature when it comes to sex and bodily functions, which is how many people act when they are around close friends and family. But the complex emotions like trust, betrayal, revenge, greed, and death are shown muddled and convoluted, just like they are in real life. Therefore the characters seem real, like you could reach out and touch them even though it has been hundreds of years since the Vikings have sailed the seas.

Vikings is a marvelous piece of work and will be one hell of a ride to watch. Not only will it leave you aching for more, but Vikings will also instill what seems like valuable, valid information about the Viking era.

Oz the Great and Powerful  is a visual splendor of oohs and aahs but lacks in telling a congruent story to our beloved Wizard of Oz which has aged gracefully in our piercing eyes. Oz is packed with cleverness and wonder but one must consider how poor some of the scripting was, which seemed to have been phoned in by some of the cast.

Personally, I could not had been more excited to see what Disney had in store for our beginning in Oz. I was so curious to see who the Wicked Witch of the West would be and why she would turn evil and green. In the end I was disappointed that it was over such an immature misunderstanding that changed her. I was expecting much more, because this is nearly one of our classic monsters like Dracula and the Mummy. The Wicked Witch of the West was one of the first female antagonists we had in the world of film and she was one mean bitch! I was really hoping that Oz would go into more detail and reveal the story about one of the most admirable adversaries in film history. The Wicked Witch of the West was the primer to all other witches! Without her, where would our infatuation with witches be?

Past that minor flaw the movie was still a great amount of fun and although I saw it in 2D it was still a magical, wondrous experience. The landscape is reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland. The new take on the now much scarier Tornado scene is remarkable. Not to mention the opening credits were by far the most genuine and clever I have seen in years, I was awfully disappointed by the the end credits though after such a remarkable opening.

Speaking of the opening, the first five minutes are black and white and in a smaller frame, just like The Wizard of Oz. The transitional scene into Oz becomes colorized as Oscar (James Franco) flies into Oz in his hot air balloon. This scene is even more extraordinary than the first time we saw Oz and it can’t help but take your breath away.

The cinematography is outstanding in Oz and I am sure it would have been worth the price of the 3D glasses if you so choose to view the film that way. The only reason I did not is because my mother did not want to sit through a 3D film.

The movie does pay homage to the original in many of the scenes, but unfortunately the munchkins do not get to sing their introduction song in its entirety. A small let down, but a great scene is delivered when Oscar scares off a lion with his basic parlor magic.

If you were not aware, Oscar  was part of a traveling circus as The Great and Powerful Oz. He is a parlor magician that probably has had his way with a few too many small town girls. He has an unappreciated assistant Frank who is played by the gem Zach Braff. When Oscar makes it into Oz he saves a flying monkey in a bellhop suit that was about to be eaten by the (cowardly) lion. Braff then voices the monkey, Finley, who is in servitude to a lifetime debt to Oscar. Finley only pledges his life to Oscar because his traveling companion Theadora (Mila Kunis) claims he is the Great Wizard who will save the land of Oz from the wicked witch.

The film is peppered with great irony and puns, which make you laugh aloud during the movie. The running theme itself is ironic, Oscar is this terrible character who has always wanted something great happen during his life. But he is far to concerned with himself to ever realize Oz is that opportunity. The iconic phrase “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them” seems to be the final running theme in Oz.

Oscar was born average with high dreams, and he is a man whose greatness is thrust upon him. Which is probably why you might hate his character all the way up until the epic battle scene.

Then, after the showy final showdown, you get one last battle. By far the best scene in the movie was when Glinda the Good Witch of the South (Michelle Williams) fights Evanora (Rachel Weiz). Harsh words are exchanged, and watching the sparks fly between the two witches is amazing. The perfect climax to the Great and Powerful Oz. 

Photo Cred: http://turntherightcorner.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/oz-the-great-and-powerful-glinda-and-evanora.jpg?w=800

If you are a fan of the land of Oz, then the two hour film will be fun and exciting for your experience.  Don’t go into the theater thinking that the acting will be great or the explanations will be wonderful because then you will be let down. Lower the bar by just a notch, and then you will find the price of admission worth it. If you seem cynical about this new Oz, then just wait to rent it. You will hate every minute of this colorful, creative, yet lack luster ride.

Last night was a great time to be a Braff fan. I have been a fangirl  of the magical, goof ball Zach Braff since the young age of 12! When Scrubs came on in 2001 I was a hard core fan from the beginning. I was there for all the tears, the laughs, (I prefer to act as though season 9 on ABC never happened) and guest stars. Last night on the Conan Show we got a little surprise visit from FLOATING HEAD DOCTOR! And the Scrubs fans burst out in laughter and in memory around the social networks. For those of you who missed it here is the video! Right around the minute mark the green screen goes into effect.

Braff was on Conan promoting his new (and first blockbuster) film Oz the Great and Powerful. But the saddest thing about Braff donning the green screen suit is that the minute he was about to say something about Scrubs Coco interrupts him and then changes the subject. He never once mentions floating head doctor.

The show was great! Zach was by far the best part of the late night talk show, and it made me miss Scrubs all over again. I think I will begin to rewatch the series again on Netflix. So did anybody else catch the flashy Braff last night? Let me know your thoughts! I loved it and wish I saw more of Braff on TV and in films again. What I found odd was that they spent so much time on the contest Braff held about a year ago for his funniest fans. Zach said he would go anywhere in the world for whatever fan made video was the funniest during the contest. It was a great contest and it created some competition in the Braff community, but it was a fun ride none the less. I just wish floating head doctor would had been mentioned.

Last night, March 18 at 10:00 p.m., A&E premiered Bates Motel, what seems to be a modern day take on the teenage years of Norman Bates which is splendidly nerve-wracking and intensely  spine-tingling.

Going into the pilot episode I was expecting it to take place during the same time era as the movie, which may have been the 1960s? (I have scoured the internet and can not seem to find the answer, so if you know the time period of Psycho tell me in the comments!)

Photo Credit: http://adoholik.com/2009/07/27/fiat-bates-motel/

It’s not until I see Norman with an iPhone that I realize, OH! It takes place today! I would have never realized this because the first 5 minutes of the show is very nineteen-sixtiesish. The car that Norman and his mother own seems nearly identical to the iconic car in the original film.

The concept of this horror, mystery, and thriller TV show is brilliant. I am so happy to learn about one of the most iconic characters in horror movie history and the fact that they are making the setting in today’s time just adds to its originality. The cable winter line up for dramas has been entirely composed of period pieces, so seeing something like this is a breath of fresh air.

Norman (Freddy Highmore, a now very grown up Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) and his mother, Norma Louise Bates (Vera Farmiga) move to a new town after Norman’s father suddenly dies in their living room. I watched that opening scene twice and I am still not sure why or how he died, but the end outcome is the two moving. Norma buys a house and motel that was recently foreclosed by the bank and intends to renovate and open the motel back up.

Norman and Norma Bates Photo Credit:: http://www.ign.com/articles/2013/03/17/bates-motel-first-you-dream-then-you-die-review

For a kid that has a mother who is “free spirited” and makes him move from town to town, Norman seems pretty normal. He’s obviously an introvert but that is only because he’s never been in one town for too long which is his mothers fault.

The pilot episode has many “what the hell” moments that are well done, but others where you just want to scream at the writer, like ‘REALLY? That’s what you think high school is like?’ But the extreme horror scenes are worth sticking around for. Not to mention the first death that happens is eventually stored in a bathtub in one of the motel rooms, which I find absolutely priceless.

Photo Credit: http://www.tvguide.com/PhotoGallery/Scariest-Serial-Killers-1059527/1059535

What is amazing is how similar Highmore and the original Bates (Anthony Perkins) look alike. Highmore is honestly a spitting image of a younger Perkins. And I am certainly looking forward to Highmore’s most scandalous performance. Being a child actor of many Nickelodeon movies and a favorite young actor of Johnny Depp’s, this will be Highmore’s first challenging role as a teenager. It is his time to shine and show the world how well he can act. He did a splendid job acting in the pilot, and Vera is just as astounding as well. Vera’s character as Norman’s Mother is one hard-core, clever bitch who doesn’t mess around.

The cliffhanger at the end of the episode is sure to bring you back for the next week as well. Bates Motel seems to have a promising season ahead of itself and the acting will prove worthy of the terrorizing plot and background story of Norman Bates, one of our first serial killers of the horror genre.

Photo Credit: http://www.alexsingleton.com/thankyouforsmoking/

Thank You for Smoking is a clever, satirical comedy from 2005 that has a “lobbyist” as the central character who works for the Academy of Tobacco Studies. A lobbyist, in this case, is just a fancy word for the face of the company who is the main man behind their public relations. Nick Naylor is the face of smoking, and he is not just a smooth talking business man, but also a father who feels his son slowly slipping away from him because his ex-wife refuses to let them spend time together.

I chose this movie to review because it seemed like the best suit for a movie about public relations. I picked the movie after viewing this list.

What is great about this throwback is that our main character, Nick, is the guy that every woman would go home with, without him even trying. Not only does the actor Aaron Eckhart make a woman’s heart throb and a mans pride shrink, he makes you want to smoke. He is the “Colonel Sanders of Nicotine” and the “Sultan of Spin” and you honestly don’t even care that he is pumping the lungs of men, women, and children with nicotine and smoke because he is just that good.

Now being a student of public relations I know that one’s professional goal is to not be a “spinner.” We are taught to be professional, report the truth, and that the public is our customer and our first priority, not the company. But with the way Hollywood portrays this magnificent public relation practitioner you can’t help but wonder if there is some right in his wrong practices.

Although, with all of Nick’s spinning he does have some good PR practices. He knows how to talk to the public, what they want to hear, and how to portray a good campaign. But I mean hell, the guy is working as a “Merchant of Death,” so what is to be expected of the face of cigarettes?  There is no way you could be a decent guy with decent PR practices and not let your morals eat you alive. But the writers take care of that little internalized debate with Nick teaching his son how in this business one requires ”a moral flexibility.” And that is exactly what Nick has.

The entire movie is one PR disaster or PR opportunity after another. And for the most part, Nick is always on the top of his game. One particular situation I can point out, without spoilers, is when the company is faced with low tobacco sales and they need to figure out how to get their money bags smoking again. Who are their money bags? Teenagers. So they are faced with figuring out how to get teenagers addicted to smoking while simultaneously putting on a $50 million anti-teen-smoking campaign because they want the public to believe that they care about the health of America’s future. Sounds like a doozy right? This all happens within the first 30 minutes of the film too, it sets you up to see how wonderful Nick is at his job and how he has an answer for everything.

To begin with, Nick is the man who suggests the $50 million anti-smoking campaign (instead of the originally planned $5 million campaign) live on television. But then, he is the ingenious mind who comes up with the plan that Hollywood needs to promote smoking in their films again. He paints the picture of two lovers lighting up after their night of lust; while making this epic speech of past movie classics that created the generation of smoke dependent baby boomers.  It is a recycled play, but a play that worked. The only problem is that back in the 30s and 40s no one knew about the health problems that came with smoking a pack a day, and the majority of those smoke dependent baby boomers are well on their way out of the world. So in short their losing their long-time customers.

How on earth could just releasing a few movies with Hollywood stars really boost sales among teenagers that much though? Well there’s an answer to that too. Release a new brand of cigarettes that relate and co-inside with the movie(s). BRILLIANT RIGHT? Of course teenagers will buy that brand then, especially if they see the movie stars lighting up with said brand post coitus! It’s ingenious and honestly I am surprised I have yet to see it happen.  I suppose that is my question to you reader… Have you ever heard of such a smoking campaign? I myself do not smoke and am not a teenager, so I’ve never paid any attention to that kind of propaganda.  My other question for you is are you a smoker and what did you think of Eckhart’s portrayal as the face of smoking? Do you think his character grew by the end of the film (if you’ve already watched it)?

Thank You for Smoking is an excellent satirical film that deserves at least one watch by any person who’s been affected by smoking or decides on a career in Public Relations. It does one thing splendidly: it makes you think.

The Poster is Attention Stealing too.

(REVISED, THE LINK OF THE COMMERCIAL IS NOW PROVIDED!)

Tonight I was half heartily watching Family Guy on adult swim at 11 p.m. and I saw an AMAZING new commercial for the new Evil Dead movie coming out this Friday (4/5/13).  You can all count on getting a review from me on the new film Friday sometime, considering I will be seeing it at 10 p.m. Thursday night. Also, just thinking about how terrifying the new film looks I may write it directly afterwards because I probably won’t be able to sleep that night.

I have conducted many internet searches on both Google and Bing and have not found the original new commercial. But thanks to a reader we finally have it so here is the  GREAT, SPONTANEOUS, INTRIGUING, FUNNY, EYE CATCHING COMMERCIAL . I honestly applaud the creators behind the commercial because for the last week I have been force fed the grisly, gory commercials for the movie. And I am not going to lie, last week I was pumped, and I foolishly thought it was coming out last Friday. Silly me right? Well since I let myself down I have stopped paying any attention to the commercials, I’ve seen them a hundred times right?

Well the PR/advertising team sucked me right back in tonight with NOT SHOWING ME ANY SCENES IN THE MOVIE. That’s right. They are doing the remarkable marketing ploy of having a couple come into the theater, buy two Evil Dead tickets and the box office attendant says “good luck.” Boom, both mine and my boyfriend’s eyes shoot up from whatever was distracting us and pay attention to the commercial. The next 25 seconds consists of the couple buying a tub a popcorn, a medium drink, a shot of whiskey, 4 anti-anxiety pills and then the concession stand attendant suggests adult diapers for them. When they walk into the film, the commercial says they still aren’t prepared enough. And the man is even wearing the adult diaper. I CAN NOT GET OVER HOW CREATIVE THIS COMMERCIAL IS. I wonder if it is only airing on adult swim, because I have not seen it on any other channel, and it has that crude humor aspect to it which the adult swim audience loves so dearly.

Evil Dead has had other great commercials during the last week of March, where they show you the audiences reaction to viewing the movie. This stint has been done with other horror films like Paranormal Activity (4) and   Quarantine, but what makes the Evil Dead one better is that the entire audience applauds at some moment for the film. Showing that these pre-screened audiences actually applaud the movie only helps other hard core fans of this cult film want to see it more. Considering “remakes” do not always go over well. Also, in the earlier marketing ploys the movie was being referred to as a “reawakening.” As in “it’s not a remake, it’s a reawakening.”  Which helps smooth over any upset fans claiming that you could do no better than the original.

So as a PR student, I applaud you marketing team for Evil Dead. You did an outstanding job of gaining back my interest and most likely everyone else’s. One can only watch the horrifying, scary commercial so many times. I mean I was still going to go see the movie opening weekend, but now I am even more pumped up for it. So here’s to the advertisements that dragged me right back in.

(I have found one video of college students watching the film and their reaction, but this is not the original commercial.)

So until Friday, I leave you with this:

Frightening, isn’t it?

Photo Credit: IMDb.com

Last night I was able to see a 10 p.m. showing of the new Evil Dead movie that was produced by original creators Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell, and let me tell you it was one gory, gruesome, basic horror movie. Writing this review without any spoilers will most likely be one of the most difficult tasks I have ever been faced with as a writer. But I will do my best for you readers, and if you would like to discuss the movie or any spoilers comment below, and we will have a nice chat!

The new Evil Dead is a “reawakening” of Raimi’s 1981 NC-17 rated original, and I will tell you right now that the first one still gives me the heeby jeebies. Evil Dead does a great job of creating a new scenario for five teenagers being stuck out in the wilderness and creating a chaotic mess. This time around they aren’t out there for a romantic get away, they are there to have the main character, Mia (Jane Levy), detox from her addiction of cocaine. I believe it was her friends idea to take Mia back to her family’s old cabin house for her going cold turkey. Two old time friends, Eric and registered nurse Olivia (Lou Taylor Pucci and Jessica Lucas), are behind this plot, and eventually Mia’s brother David (Siloh Fernandez) and his doctor girlfriend Nataile (Elizabeth Blackmore) show up to support her.

Evil Dead (Mia)

Having a junkie as the film’s protagonist really helps answer the audiences classic questions of  ”why aren’t they leaving  yet?” “you really should listen to her” and “for the love of god, what are you doing that for?” So the fact she’s hooked on drugs really plays a key role in modernizing a scary movie for a horror savvy audience. Mia is the only one who smells the decayed smell of death rotting beneath the floor boards and everyone jut chocks it up to the detox.

With the basics out of the way I will go onto how the movie holds up as a horror movie.  I will admit, I had a few jumps but for the most part, director Fede Alaverz uses the basic “boo” tactic. The one where the camera pans one direction, pans to another, and then comes back and then the “BOO!” happens. And the film is just gory as it possibly can be, to the point of near torture porn. But if you have already seen the red band trailer you have seen nearly all the disgusting, big horror movie scenes the movie has to offer.

The climax is amazing though, it would mind blowing really. It is worth the price of admission for that alone. There are also some great, humorous scenes that are reminiscent of the original that will just tickle you pink.

Evil Dead is a fun, gory, reminiscing film that will make most fans of the original content with the remake, but sadly, it is not as scary as I was hoping it would be walking in.

Oh, and stay until the end of the credits. Just an FYI.

Ash from the Original

Chinatown Poster

Whoa, hey there guys, it’s been awhile since I posted so I figured I’d upload a review I recently wrote for a class, so here are my thoughts on Chinatown.

In 1974 director Roman Polanski created the perfect crime-mystery drama that would bring a man to tears: Chinatown. In this instance, it was a woman who was brought to tears, since I am a female, but you still get the idea.

Chinatown opens up in a dim, dusty old office with an older woman dressed, awkwardly, to the nines. She is there to ask for the help of private eye Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson). She claims her famous husband, Hollis Mulray, owner and builder of many Los Angeles’ dams, bridges, and water sources, is cheating on her. This single scene sets the mysterious tone for this terrific, mind-boggling 1930s trip of a movie.

Discussing the rest of the plot is a difficult feat to accomplish without giving anything away about the movie’s many layers. Although, I would like to point out that the plotline of this movie happens in the summer of 1937, which was one of the hottest years for the West coast. Many people were paying high taxes for clean drinking water in California. The public was told the taxes would help bring water to their parched lips.

The setting is classic for a real private eye, mystery drama.  For many 20 somethings, when they think of a P.I. detective they think about a dusty 1930s Hollywood setting. This may be thanks to old reruns on television or maybe even a personal favorite movie.

Seeing the old automobiles puttering around town with every man wearing a fedora, and every adult lighting up a cigarette, paints a perfect picture of the era. This image leaves no room for thought about a crime-mystery drama not set in the 1930s.

The acting in Chinatown is superb. Nicholson portrays the gritty, cynical detective with a hole in his heart perfectly. Interestingly enough, the screenwriter, Robert Towne, had actually written the part for Nicholson before he was ever cast. Faye Dunaway on the other hand, was a last-minute choice as the leading lady by the makers of the film, but she was perfect nonetheless. No one else could have played her character, Evelyn Mulray, better. You laugh with her, cry with her, and you understand her woman’s perspective with her. She acts not only with her lines but her body too, and the symbolism that is sometimes depicted, thanks to her body language, is astounding.

After watching Chinatown, I actually realize how many cartoon cultural references I have been missing throughout the years. After the opening scene I realized it was a spitting real-life image of Who Framed Roger Rabbit from 1988. After some research, apparently Jake Gittes and Chinatown were supposed to be a part of a trilogy, but the final installment, which was going to be based on a new highway development, was never made. Turns out the plot was later used for Roger Rabbit. Remarkably, that movie’s private eye, Eddie Valient, is a near replica of the classic Gittes.

Roger Rabbit, Eddie Valiant, & Jessica Rabbit

The more recent Rango (2011) not only replicates a few classic character motifs and scenes from Chinatown, but also recreates the entire “lack of water” plotline into a more family-friendly animation. If you watch Rango before or after Chinatown you will continuously have an open gape as a mouth during your viewing. I honestly thought that Rango was a family-friendly version of Chinatown for nearly half the movie. Either way, all three films are not only magnificent but also a personal favorite of mine.

Chinatown is a brilliant movie that has aged graciously throughout the years. It holds plenty of mystery and awe for any new-found adult whom is also a fan of Rango and Roger Rabbit. 

A shot from Rango with a familiar character in a wheel chair.

For those interested, Rango and Chinatown are currently (4/18/13) available on Netflix.

Not to binge. This Netflix series is one sad excuse of something that had great potential but fell flat after its first episode.

Beware, this review is rated PG-13 borderline R.

Lets back up a little bit though. The first I heard about Hemlock Grove was when I decided to listen to my Pandora station a few weeks ago. They aired a commercial for this horror genre TV show that would be loading up on Netflix all at once. I was pretty excited, I never read the book which is what the show is based off of, but a new TV series that was done by Eli Roth? It sounded right up my alley!

Well a few weeks past after I’d forgotten about the commercial, and then the show appeared on my queue’s “popular on Netflix” section. I was like hellll, gotta start this shit before bed! And so I did, and it was a glorious first episode. It opened with a high school girl on her way to fool around with her attractive female teacher. I was like hell yeah! You break those stereotypes in fucking half and bring something new to the table! Said girl is then the first girl to get mangled by some sort of wild beast. The scene is brutal, the sounds are gory and the aftermath is eye-shuttering. Seems like it would be an awesome show from that 10 minute opening, but oh how I was wrong.

The editing is a bit all over the place, and you think “Oh maybe it’s just an artistic choice for the first episode, I’m sure they will explain everything a bit more in the next episode.” NOPE, they pull that bull shit editing without answering any questions for THE WHOLE SEASON.

Main cast of Hemlock Grove

I got to the fourth episode, and said to myself, “do I really want to continue this series? The acting is sub-par, Famke Janssen has this atrocious accent, and even after WATCHING THE ENTIRE SERIES I HAVE UNANSWERED QUESTIONS FROM THE FIRST DAMN EPISODE.  WHAT THE HELL IS SHELLY? WHY IS SHE A GLOW WORM?! WTF? And by the time they actually answer the question of who the murderer is, you don’t even care! Most likely because you figure it out yourself in the 9th episode or because it was so poorly executed.

Not to mention at this point I begin falling asleep for a midday nap after 10 minutes of the show’s episode. Every day. It took me about 5 days to watch the whole season due to the fact of going back to re-watching episodes I slept through during auto-play. I’m being serious, this show is so sporadic and non-cohesive that it put me to sleep on a daily basis.

But seriously they desperately try to make the show about Frankenstein’s monster, vampires, werewolves, witches, gypsies, angels, god complexes, and shitty psychiatrists. It tries way too hard to incorporate every basic horror monster into one episode, which sounds great right? But they don’t take the time  to set up each monster. They just jump around in every episode trying to incorporate each one in each episode but it fails miserably. There are a ton of sex scenes in this show though, which is a bit weird to watch while you are binge watching the show in the middle of the day.

It is awfully disappointing that it had a great premise which fell flat upon execution. What’s even more depressing is that  the author of the novel apparently helped write some of the episodes. So does that mean the book is just as crazy bat-shit chaotic as the show? I hope not, because I would like to read the book so I can better grasp what the hell was happening during the 13 episode shit show.

If you are looking for something smart, clever, yet gory and horrific, Hemlock Grove is not the show for you.

Don’t watch me, I’m not worth it.

The Great Gatsby is a visually astounding and striking film that will leave you breathless with pain and want. This all coming form a person who yes, read the book in high school ( about six years ago), and probably enjoyed the novel mediocrely, and no did not reread before watching to pick out every damn little flaw and compare and contrast the novel to the movie. I am not a purist when it comes to those details, and I must insist that you do not put yourself under the same strain. Please, as a movie goer, understand that novels and movies are two different forms of entertainment. You can not put the same pressure as a book onto a movie, and you cannot expect a book to be as visually stimulating as a movie. Now that I have explained this to you, I will get back to the movie review.

The beginning 20 or 30 minutes of The Great Gatsby is be far the best party scene I have every seen in my entire life. You honestly feel like you are at the party and it is intoxicating. You see the booze poor, the tobacco being smoked, and for once you will finally realize  how raunchy and crazy the story you once read in high school was, and why your female English teachers had such massive lady boners for Fitzgerald. What’s amazing and appreciative is that you only see small portions of the great parties in the teasers and trailers, so there are still surprises to be had when you walk in. What is disappointing though is that once Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) finally gets his Daisy to the party, there are no more parties! After being on that invigorating  journey for 30 minutes you detox and want more.

Not to say that the film won’t keep your attention afterwards, because it certainly will. After that point, you really begin to recall what happened in the novel and what will be happening next. The one thing that I will point out that was done poorly, was that Wolfsheim (Amitabh Bachchan) a business associate of Gatsby’s that plays a big role in the book, is hardly mentioned in the film until the end. If I didn’t have the faded memory of the book in my mind, I really wouldn’t have realized the significance near the flattening, deafening, depressing ending. Aside from that flaw, (of which if you would like the explanation or discussion about, please comment below, we’ll talk) you could honestly walk into the theater without any prior knowledge of the book or story line.

The real character depth in this movie is shown mostly through Leonardo DiCaprio really shinning through as Gatsby. I honestly believe that no other man, in today’s age could have done a better job of displaying Jay Gatsby’s mysterious, good-hearted, grand stature.  Daisy and Tom was brought brilliantly to life by Carey Mulligan and Joel Edgerton, you really get the feeling like you are Jordan Baker (Elizabeth Debicki) or Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) whom are forcibly  enduring and watching this broken marriage fall to pieces. But their characters don’t really develop, and they don’t need to. Jordan is just a pawn in Gatsby’s plan to win the love of his life back, and Nick is there to only transcend into the narrating,  booze-soaked Fitzgerald.

Jordan and Nick partying it up

The story of The Great Gatsby is a wonderful, yet depressing representation of the 1920s, and his story is one of life, love, and laughter, that ends in tears, sorrow, naivety, and immense pain, both of which only have one thing in common: Loyalty. Gatsby is seeping with loyalty to his life long love, and in the end Nick is Gatsby’s one true, loyal friend. After all the great things Jay Gatsby did, he had one thing to show for it all, one friendship by the most loyalest friend a man could ask for, that was amazingly built over the span of one summer.

Daisy and Jay

Director Baz Luhrmann is amazing at the helm of this heady project, after the amazing success and pure enjoyment of a past classic, Moulin Rouge!, it only makes sense that he turn the story into that of a love roller-coaster. The Great Gatsby  is the movie to see this summer, and I highly recommend that you go see this spectacular film on the big screen, because that is how it ought to be.

Here’s the original first trailer:

Gatsby soaking wet and nervous, is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen as well.

P.S. The symbolism will slap you up side your head and shove your face down into the ground to make sure you understand, but the book did that too, so don’t get to mad about it.

SYMBOLISM!!!!

Also, yes, Leo deserves his Oscar.

Titanic movie poster

For some reason, I decided to put myself through the excruciating pain of watching the Titanic (1997) on television. It is 2013 now, and it has probably been a good 15 years since I originally watched it in theaters when I was the ripe age of seven. Looking back, on that first experience I remember that I couldn’t handle that really chaotic scene on the boat when all things turned to shit. The water bursting through the glass ceiling, the captain going down with the ship, the elderly couple laying in bed waiting for their certain fate, and the ship breaking in half. I forced my mother to take me out of the theater “because I had to pee with watching all the water.”

Years later, with a new found love of disaster movies, and I still become squirmish while watching the later half of the movie. By far the movie carries much more meaning now then when I watched it at seven. Considerably more meaning because god knows what seven year old Jacki thought about that sex scene! Really mom and dad, how did you think this movie would be appropriate for a child under the age of 10? Of course the screenplay, cinematography, acting, and scenery are all beautifully done. James Cameron breaks our hearts, even years later, with his magnificent writing and directing. The movie is acclaimed as the most accurate movie depiction of the RMS Titanic’s true story. Well, everything aside from the love story between Jack and Rose.

Of course there is always the classic question about Jack’s heart-wrenching fate. Why couldn’t both of them fit on the damn DOOR!? Well, apparently Cameron has finally identified why Jack had to die an icy death. The door could only hold so much weight without being submerged into water, if both were on the door, both would have slowly died of hypothermia. But if that’s his reply, I still ask you Cameron, the one life boat that returned showed up pretty soon after Jack quietly passed. If both were on that damn door, they would be near death, but they would not have both died then. If they were not submerged in the water completely, wouldn’t the hypothermia set in slower? On a second side note, why didn’t they take turns on the door! Why didn’t Jack tread water around the door to keep his blood flowing? He’s a smart guy. On a separate note, did the asshat Cal really have to live until the great depression? I know there was meaning and symbolism in that decision, but really? REALLY?

Yep.

And how did the “heart of the ocean” diamond stay in the coat pocket the whole damn time? When Jack and Rose nearly went down with the ship submerged in the ocean. It really should have sank to the bottom of the ocean at that point, if not before. LASTLY. The whole reason you were asked to board that ship/submarine is because they were searching for the blue diamond! You were there to help find the lost jewel. And then you toss it! What a bitch Rose. Geeze. Oh wait one other thing, why take Jack’s last name ‘Dawson” when you enter America, but then get married? You lose the name AND never tell anyone about him. What kind of remembrance is that?

And with that I leave you with this closing remark on Titanic. PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ROSE.

Also this:

Today I found myself watching something I had never heard of. Something different, something fun, something a bit raunchy and a lot gay. While visiting a friend today she introduced me to a television channel that I really must have in my life now that I know about it. Said amazing channel is Logo TV and that nifty hyperlink will take you to the homepage of Logo TV where you can watch full episodes of their programs. All of which seem to be edgy yet classic. Original ideas that are fit for today’s times. I feel as though this channel is the birth child of Perez Hilton and Comedy Central, with MTV and E! as the child’s god parents. And I love it.

Felt Puppets

While I only watched 1 Girl 5 Gays today, I did see commercials for their other programming that looked to be amazeballs as well. Especially Felt. Felt is based off of personal, real-life couple therapy, but their identities are concealed in an unusual manner.  Instead of blurring their faces or warping their voices, the couples are portrayed with PUPPETS! PUPPETS I SAY! If you’re an avid reader of my blog (and let’s face it, you’re probably not) I freaking LOVE PUPPETS. But not in some weird way. I just enjoy the Muppets okay? There’s nothing weird about cuddling up on the couch and watching 3 or 4 or 7 episodes of The Muppet Show in a row with your boyfriend. I don’t have a problem okay?

Opening Credits

Anyways, about the actual show that I watched. 1 Girl 5 Gays is a talk show that has one constant host, Aliya-Jasmine Sovani, the 1 girl (recently replaced by Lauren Collins, who is who I watched), who is asking 5 rotating gay men about pop culture, love, and sex. They keep the 22 minute show flowing quickly because they have 20 questions to get through each episode. Most of that is thanks to a good editor and fun, clever, quirky opening segments for new questions. For instance, one question was something similar to “How do you feel after having sex twice in a row in one setting” and the short video before that segment was of a ketchup bottle squirting out two loads of tomato juice on a hamburger. Who do I contact to be a part of the creative team that comes up with those videos? Because I think we may be a perfect fit. If you read this, call me, I’ve got some ideas up my selves.

The show is sassy good fun, and you can catch some full episodes right here. Just click that hyperlink and you’ll be on your way to some good old fashion Candy TV. You may be asking yourself what Candy TV (trademark) is. Well it’s TV that you crave, TV that you’ll binge on, TV that you may not want your friends to realize you watch, TV where you may regret watching 4-8 episodes in a row. So be careful when you click that link. Beware of what your getting yourself into. I was not.

Poster

Today I watched Identity Thief  with my father. Of course I went into this film thinking it was going to be terrible, absolutely atrocious. I am tickled pink to report that it was pleasantly fun.  I watched the theatrical version on DVD, and I think I made the right decision on that instead of the extended version. The movie drags a bit, and  my dad became restless. I live tweeted for the majority of the movie. But eventually felt nothing more would need to be tweeted.

I must warn you though, I assumed this would be a “safe” movie to watch with my father. I was wrong. So wrong. *Spoilers* You wouldn’t think that there would be a sex scene in a movie between a (not-so) common criminal and a (straight-laced) family man, but then you would be wrong. And you would be watching what you thought would be a safe comedy with your father and then awkwardly watch a very vivid sex scene. Just laugh it off though, that’s what I did. You think that would be it for Melissa McCarthy and sex, but you would again be wrong. Just like me. She later has a small masturbation scene. In all honesty, I applaud director Seth Gordon for including two scenes of a woman cumming in a movie that only received an R rating, because as I’ve discussed before about how hard of a feat it is to accomplish that. *End Spoilers*

The movie relies on crude, brutish comedy, but it still manages to touch your heart. You begin to develop feelings for Diana (McCarthy) and you don’t want her to be sent to jail. McCarthy’s performance is outlandish as is the usual for her. She is perfectly cast for this role. Jason Bateman plays the same old family man character that he is always cast as, but honestly I feel as though he’s getting tired of being type-casted. He doesn’t do much with his role in this film as Sandy Bigelow Patterson. He doesn’t bring the film down at all, but he doesn’t do much for it either.

I hope Bateman gets to expands his wings sometime soon. I know he got to play something a bit different in The Change-Up but I can’t remember how good that movie was. it may deserve a rewatching.  He’s a great actor and I’d love to see him play a different character, but alas Hollywood can be a bitch.

I would watch Identity Thief while drinking with buddies, or by yourself. It’s one of those movies that could be funnier depending on your company. I wouldn’t pay money for it though. Wait for netflix to que it up, OR for FX to play it 28 times in one weekend. Then it would be funny, am I right?

Arrested Development Poster work

I did a thing yesterday. I started that thing around 2:30 pm. I didn’t finish that thing until midnight. I promised myself I was going to work out  after only a few episodes. I was being earnest too! Turns out it was just all a silly lie. I was a fool to think that I could stop myself from watching the entire fourth season of Arrested Development in one setting. A FOOL I SAY! But I don’t regret it. Not a single bit.

You may be asking yourself why I didn’t watch it when it was first released at the end of May. Well that’s because I had the good fortune of being in jolly ole London, England for two weeks. And I knew myself better than to begin watching it. Now you may be asking, well where the hell was this post last night? I thought this was a daily thing, I was waiting all day for your post! If you are asking that, I will call you a liar, a flattering liar, but a liar nonetheless. But to answer the question no one was really asking, it was because I was spent from watching seven hours worth of television in one setting on my laptop. I couldn’t look at lappy the same afterwards. I may have not regretted what I had done, but lappy, with her judgy eye’s. She knew. She knew what I did all day.

On to the actual review.  It seems fitting that there was about 7 hours worth of the new season after it was originally canceled by FOX seven years ago. Some people are saying the new season is too short. That there wasn’t enough. But to them I say,”Halt thy bitching! At least you havith more to watch…ith.!” Netflix produced 15 new episodes for our consumption, and that’s two more than FOX ended us with. The first season of AD began with 22 full episodes, the second season was cut down to 18, and then to the death sentence of 13 episodes of it’s final run on broadcast Television.

Creator Mitchell Hurwitz decided to go about filming this season in a different manner. Individualizing each episode to one of the main characters’ own “arrested development.” You can tell who the episode belongs to during the opening credits. The reason for this different story arc is because many of the actors couldn’t be around for many months at a time to film all at once. The only problem with this different style is that it really does only focus on that character’s problems. You don’t get to see the cast as a whole interact. About 9 episodes in and I wanted more Buster Bluth! Buster (Tony Hale) is by far my favorite character after the sharp tongue Jessica Walter’s Lucille Bluth. Tony and a Jessica are always a jem together. Their onscreen MotherBoy relationship is one of my favorite aspects of the show. I hope, if there will be a fifth season, we will see more of them together.

The cast is all there with bells on. It seems as though everybody is happy to be working on the witty show once more. Although some of them have not aged gracefully. It’s a bit surprising at how bad Jessica Walter and Portia de Rossi (yes Ellen DeGeneres’ wife) look in the new season. I mean I love both of them as much as the next gay man does (FYI I am a straight woman) but they do not look anything like they did seven years ago.

Lucille and George/Oscar Bluth

Anywho. The writing is still top notch in my book, although I was not laughing aloud as much as I hoped. But during Buster’s episode “Off the Hook” I was cracking up.

Really it is up to you if you would want to binge watch the whole season. Who knows how soon the next season will be up? But you will be able to catch on to little jokes that were specifically provided because they knew people would be binge watching. I feel as though now I must go back and watch even more of ALL OF THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. If that wasn’t clear enough for you, I mean that I want rewatch the first 3 seasons.

PS there’s a scene where Tobias and GOB eat nothing gut Parmesan cheese and mustard. I have no idea why, but it’s perfect.

I saw The Purge opening night. and boy was it a fright! No, not really. The movie was sub-par at best and was really short. “How short was it Jacki?” An hour and 20 minutes long.  Now, I know that’s only 10 minutes shorter then what an average film is (90 minutes) but for a psychological thriller/horror movie like The Purge  you walk away from the movie feeling empty and that your 10 bucks wasn’t worth that short of a ride. And that’s exactly how it felt. 

The character depth and fight scenes in this movie are laughable at best. And that isn’t something you want to hear when your watching a family survive the hellish experience of strangers breaking in to your house on the one night that Americans can “release the beast.” If your getting this far into my review and you don’t know what the movie is about, here let me show you with this trailer:

I mean your on the internet why waste my effort explaining the plot when those flashy pictures can do it for me? So, now that you know the basics, next on the list is the fact that this movie is terrible and you shouldn’t waste your time with it. Looking back in retrospect, none of it was scary. The director had one “good” “boo” moment which scared half of the crowd but the other half laughed. I on the other hand knew it was about to happen. It’s awfully disappointing that this movie turned out to be half-assed.

In the beginning I didn’t want to see the film because it seemed so sadistic. One nation uniting under sin? America being that nation? That underlining plot line is sick. I think that the movie would have been more interesting (and a bit longer) if it  focused on different stories happening throughout the night, and not just one family. Watching how one family that shouldn’t have been part of the purge because they had a top notch security system (spoilers, it’s not top notch), and because their son who doesn’t believe in the purge lets some “homeless swine” into their home, isn’t as entertaining as watching the whole country turn to a shit hole.

That’s what writer/director James DeMonaco should have done. He could have focused on that story line and other parts of the country. It’s not like he doesn’t think about it. He shows footage in the beginning from the “purge feed” which is taken from all over the country. Showing the audience that America is united in this unforgivable feat where murder is legal for 12 hours. I know the entire movie is a satire on today’s economic system and today’s moral/belief system, but damn he could have done a better job about it. I really can’t tell what political party he is taking a jab at, but honestly it leans towards taking a knife to the Democratic party.

In many of my film classes I was taught why vampires and zombies go through their popular phases. And I’ll tell you right now it has nothing to do with horny teenagers. The box office horror genre is almost completely based off of who ever is in office at the time. If vampires are a hit it’s because democrats are in office, and if zombies are raging, it’s because republicans are in. Don’t believe me? Watch this video! 
Watch it? Good. So if horror  in the box office represents America current political party, this movie symbolizes Obama’s healthcare and new economic system?DeMonaco, I had no idea you were such a raging republican!

Don’t worry, I’m really misleading, much more like tin foil!

Anyways, you yell at the character’s stupidity and the irony that the father James Sadin (Ethan Hawke) sells these high tech security systems. Which are (spoilers) shit. They look all bad ass and like they could withstand Armageddon. But they can’t. When the purgers come along to get their “homeless swine” who is camping out somewhere in the Sadin’s home, they rip it off with one fowl swoosh with the aid of a pick up truck. It was as if the giant steel walls were made out of tin foil from the Tin-Man. It was pathetic! If you knew your security system would be shit, why not just put all your money into a safe room? Oh would we have no plot then? Whoops, it’s all ready been done, hasn’t it?

Okay, I’m done bitching. Wait to see the movie for free. Seriously, just download it off the internet in a week. It is so not worth 10 dollars.

One last thing. If you’re that goddamn rich, take a vacation to another country! No where in the film does it say any other country is as bat shit insane as America! For Christs sake, try Canada for a day you dumb fucks!

Movie Poster

Aside from the title, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, being a mouthful, it’s also a fabulous look into the many different types of pregnancies. The film also has an all star cast that I was a little hesitant about. I mean Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, and Elizabeth Banks all under one roof for a film about getting/being pregnant? No thank you. But they never had a real interaction. It was a split script where the editing brought everything perfectly together. It’s kind of like  of those all star films like Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve but done well.

I love that each woman (including Brooklyn Decker and Anna Kendrick) went about getting pregnant differently and that each pregnancy is individual yet relatable  to any woman watching. There were moments of this movie where I was rolling on the floor laughing. While it had me in tears later. And they weren’t happy, they were sad tears. But the movie is so worth the sad tears because it comes back and makes you smile with happy tears then. Although I will say it’s a very predictable movie, but why can’t it be? I was there just for the ride and it delivered in that ride.

ALTHOUGH I will say there was one male character put into the mix specifically to make the women moan and oh how he delivers(Joe Manganiello). One handed pull-ups. That’s all I have to say. Oh and shirtless. Shirtless, one handed pull-ups. Oh wait I can show you some of it:

It’s two arms, but at least it’s shirtless.

Even the men are in love with him. The male cast is perfect as well. God just looking at him doing those consecutive pull ups in that gif, this review has became significantly more difficult to write. Is it harder to read now too? Should I have not included that gif? Oh god I’m torn, but who am I kidding me, that gif is more entertaining than my writing is. So the other men in the show have a great cohesion together. Almost as great as those abs. Holy shit. I’m done. This review is done. It’s a good movie. If you want more synopsis or spoilers or a discussion get at me in the comments. Maybe that gif would be scrolled up far enough then. I mean lets be real, you’re not reading this as much as I’m not writing it.

Meet the Robinsons Poster

I love Disney movies. But really I mean who under the age of 30 does not? We had the privilege of growing up with a new Disney animation film every three years after the frightening story of The Little Mermaid was turned into a delightful Disney animation in 1989. Meet the Robinsons is the 2007  film adaption of the 1990 children’s picture book  A Day with Wilbur Robinson.

I remember watching the movie for the first time in a chinky theater in a college town with a bunch of friends. I believe we came to decide on a Disney animation after I picked one too many horror flicks as the group movie (that flick was 2007 Dead Silence a week earlier). We all adored the show. Rewatching it today I had just as an entertaining experience as I did the first time. But with time comes greater knowledge, and I was able to spot out even more pop culture references that I missed the first time around.

One realization that I had was how uncanny the movie is to the song “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel and the movie that inspired the song: The Graduate.  Lewis (the main protagonist who is also a 12 year old orphaned scientific genius) ends up time travling into the future and (spoilers) meets his future family. This includes the couple that will eventually adopt him, brothers and sister in-laws, a robot he’s going to build, an octopus servant, and  future wife. The future wife part is where this plot line becomes similar to a younger man developing feelings for a friend’s mother. Even though Lewis’ friend is his future son Wilbur. It makes some amazing chemistry in some very cheeky scenes. And don’t ask questions about the wibly, wobly timey, wimey…..stuff.

A brilliant scene is where Lewis is reciting all of the information he just learned about Wilbur’s family and he asks what Wilbur’s father looks like. Wilbur hesitates and then says “Tom Selleck,” who turns out to be the voice actor of the older Lewis; Cornelius. And that my friend is what I would describe as a clever, outlandish creative team. 

The movie keeps me smiling the entire time too. A dinosaur which is a temporary minion of the evil Bowler Hat Guy (Stephen J. Anderson) constantly makes me laugh. The following video clip is why I love this particular dinosaur (although, I love all dinosaurs so really who am I to play favorites, but I am. I am playing favorites. I sincerely ask you to watch it.

And that superman look alike who was driving the pizza ship? Yeah, he’s voiced by Adam West. The guy who was Batman in the 60s. Meet the Robinsons was great the first time, but I feel as though it’s one of those films that gets better with each watch because you see hints to the plot line earlier in the film before they happen. You carefully watch the movie to find little nods to “the future” of the plot and to Lewis’ future, and it makes it all that much better. It’s a film that not only will hold the attention of children, but also adults. And not just young adults like me, my father began watching it 5 minutes in with me and stayed till the credits. In the end, I laughed, I cried, I found the Robinsons to be delightful. And so will you. Let me know if you love that dino as much as I do.

The Robinsons

The colorful, tolerable cast of Sullivan and Son

Have you ever watched Steve Bryne the comedian? His stand up is hilarious. I recall watching him the first time when I was like 17 in 2007. I may have slightly fell in love with him. He may be my favorite comedian. So I figured I would give the new season of Sullivan & Son on TBS a chance tonight. Because the only other thing I watched was The Big Bang Theory, and do we really want my thoughts on that? Do we? No. we don’t so onto Sullivan and Son!

Going into the show, I wasn’t expecting much for it, but it did deliver some chuckles with it’s racist jokes, timing, and guest star, that Asian  guy from The Hangover, Ken Jeong. It has a colorful cast of many drunks, whores, and one-liners that help round this un-original sitcom to into a tolerable state.

It seems like one of those shows that you can just step into at any part of the season and have a good chuckle. It’s on every Thursday night at 10 so it’s not like it’ll step on anyshow’s toes.

If you want a summary of what the Cheers reminiscent, bar show is about, here, watch this commercial and everything will be summed up for you:

Do you have to watch it? No. Could you watch it and not want to shoot yourself? Yeah you could, but if the laugh track doesn’t slap you in the face, than the jokes certainly will.

Poster

I saw by far the most amazing movie of the summer tonight. And because of how amazing it was this review will contain spoilers. I honestly don’t know how else to talk about this brilliant Action/Comedy/Horror movie. So if you came to my sight for a spoiler free review, I suggest you search else where. You have been warned.

This Is The End opens with Seth Rogen waiting for his fellow Canadian BFF Jay Baruchel at the airport for a weekend of shenanigans in L.A.  Little did Jay know that he would be spending the Apocalypse  at James Franco‘s new house, one of Seth’s newer friends, whom Jay does not care for. If you didn’t know, this film is based around the worst, funniest, and demeaning sides of the actors themselves. They are their own selves but magnified. And I love that concept of the movie, and so should you. Remember how that same concept was applied to that really shitty 2010 summer release of Grown Ups, where is turned into a giant roast between the cast that wasn’t funny or delivered well? Well, 2013′s This Is The End is the best Action/Comedy I have ever seen in my entire life. My face was actually sore after the movie from smiling the whole 107 minutes.

Watching Jay and Seth interact as best friends was not only adorable but engaging as well. You

What the fuck is happening here? Oh fuck, it’s the rapture.

feel like you’re in Rogen’s  apartment and could be smoking a joint with him. Eventually, Rogen suggests that they go to Franco’s to hang out and you can tell that Jay really doesn’t want to go. After some amount of time at the party, Jay want’s Seth to accompany him to a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes. This is where our first running joke happens (Jay tried to buy a Crush soda, later, two other times, we see anybody but Jay with an orange Fanta) and windows are imploded and some people are sucked up into the sky by a blue beam. This is apparently the rapture and not aliens. So put the alien anecdote out of your mind. This Is The End is honestly about the End. Rogen and Evan Goldberg (writers & directors) take about half the movie’s time to finally come to that conclusion, but they effectively do so.

Really, I could have just watched the concept of all the celebrities partying at Franco’s pad as a movie because this shit was crazy amazeballs. It would have been like a roided out, slightly older version of Superbad with none of those silly fake names. But Christopher Mintz-Plasse would still be called McLovin, obviously. That will never die. 

So we get to see Michael Cera be the douchiest version of himself ever and it is absolutely wonderful. He is doing cocaine like it’s going out of business and technically, I suppose it is, with the End of the world happening and all. Watching Rihanna slap the fuck out of him is incredibly satisfying. Do you want to know what else was really satisfying? When all Hell breaks lose and the End of the World finally makes it to Franco’s digs, everyone rushes outside of the house thinking it’s just another earthquake. The ground begins to crack open and Cera is standing right over the area, screaming at the crowd of party goers that somebody stole his phone. Mind you Cera is whacked out, Jay walks in on Cera getting a blow job, while sucking down a Capri Sun, and having another girl snort cocaine out of Cera’s doughnut like ass hole. Shit is insane. So anyways he’s screaming “Where’s my phone you fucks?” (or some deviation of that) and BOOM! Next moment windbreaker-wearing Cera is impaled by a street lamp. But oh it gets better, the pole erects itself again while the ground becomes a sink hole underneath it. And then Cera’s phone rings in his pocket. The scene is priceless. That explanation doesn’t even do it justice. I tried finding you a video of it, or even a gif, but alas, this being opening weekend, there is no such thing yet. So instead I provide this lack luster picture and also a link to a “behind the scenes” segment that shows a portion of it.

Lack Luster Michael Cera Impalement

Shit get’s fucked up real fast then. Half of the cast is killed one way or another and all of it is genuinely funny. You see humanity at possibly its worst and yet the actors at their best. All of it is believable and done spectacularly well. Although their are some scenes later on where you honestly feel bad about what your watching. And I know what your thinking, it’s probably the two rapey scenes that made me uncomfortable. No, not really (and I’ll get back to those in a moment). One of the few times I was unhappy during the movie was when a normal citizen tried breaking into Franco’s now barricaded house (the survivors being Jay, James, Seth, a sweaty Craig Robinson, an emotional Jonah Hill, and Danny McBride who’s entrance was done in the most epic of manners) and while the crew is arguing on whether or not they should let him in, his head is some how decapitated. They end up (accidentally) kicking the head around like a soccer ball until Hill says how insensitive they are all being. After Hill pulls focus to how this man was living two minutes ago, it goes back to being funny.

Rape?

Now back to what some people may find insensitive and supporting rape culture? The movie does address the fact that rape may happen in an end of times situation when Jay speaks to the rest of the men about creating a “safe” atmosphere for new survivor Emma Watson/Hermione Granger.  But nothing happens. There’s no reason for people to be getting so upset about it. It’s actually after that, that Hermione, I mean Emma, steals all of their beverages. But about 15 minutes later Jonah Hill is actually raped by a demon from Hell. This is when we find out that Jay is correct in thinking that the book of Revelation is really happening. And that all the actors and actresses were not a part of the rapture (including, yes Granger!). I’m sure there’s some metaphor with how we put celebrities up on a pedestal and how none of them were  ”good people” in the Lord’s eye, but I’m not going to get into that. You can come to that conclusion all on your own.

Anyhoo. Jonah asks God to kill Jay because Jonah is sick of trying to be

Hill’s possession

friends with Jay for Seth. Jay also punches Jonah in the face, but you know, spoilers. Satan then retaliates by sending a demon to rape the shit out of Jonah in his sleep. There is then a Rosemary’s Baby reference which makes the scene an obvious joke,  so people need to back the fuck off on their “rape culture” nonsense. Because the demons dick was obtrusively and comically large. Instead of Hill becoming pregnant, he then becomes possessed and the (quarter Jewish) Jay performs an exorcist. And by exorcist I mean he quotes the Old Preacher of The Exorcist. 

Shit then gets even crazier.  Eventually our main characters begin to either, die, are exiled, or ruptured. So, yes  our actors have the ability to become better people and ascend into heaven. I’ll let the movie tell you which ones die, becomes leader of the cannibalistic street worriers, and ascend into heaven. But I’ll let you know, when we (the audience) finally ascend into Heaven, that party is righteous as fuck. And the movie ends on a high note. The best kind of high note.

The movie is by far the most enjoyable experience I have had in a movie theater in years. I’d suggest seeing it with someone who shares the same humor as you, but regardless, it is certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. And it’s doing much better than any of its current rivals in theaters. The Purge, Now You See Me, The Internship, and Man of Steel are all currently “rotten.” But I will say there are many moments where you scream at the screen saying something along the lines of “Why aren’t they doing this instead?!” Aside from a few tactile mistakes, the movie delivers. The whole audience was up in laughter throughout the film. The actors do a great job of making you believe that what’s happening on the screen is really happening. There is not a single weak actor at any point. You feel sadness, happiness, and (personally, for me) sweaty palms throughout the film. This “Action/Comedy” also successfully scared me more times than a normal Horror movie would. I think it accomplishes this because you just sit their enjoying the ride and forget that the shit that is happening is fucking SCARY! It’s the End of the World bitches! Shit ain’t supposed to be funny. But it is. Bless them.

This Is The End is based off (or remade from) the 2007 Indie film Jay and Seth versus the Apocalypse. It’s rated R, and for good reason too. This is probably the most I have ever seen dong in a movie. And it’s not just demon or the Devil’s (motherfucker giant) dong either. There’s also many other phallic art work throughout Franco’s house, along with a pear of tits.  The only pair of tits you’ll see in the whole film too!

Two more things. If you have made it this far into the review you deserve to know that a hell hound eventually attacks/chases Jay and Craig when their on a rations hunt. This hell hound looks exactly like Zuul from the Ghostbusters. So that’s cool. Also, I have seen Craig Robinson perform live. It was the first time I heard him play “Take yo panties off,” which they incorporate into the opening party scene. And his shirt. So here’s a picture of that:

Take Yo Panties Off! And Robinson’s in-scripted towel for all of his sweats.

And just for you, I stuck through the credits, and was disappointed, there was nothing at the end credits. Only ushers hastily cleaning the theaters and hating my presence.

This Is The End is also one big movie with maybe one or two mini movies inside of it. Now stop reading this review and go spend that 10 dollars! Because honestly, there is so much more that I could have spoiled for you.

Man of Steel poster

Am I a Superman fan? Yes I am. What Superman did I grow up on? Smallville. Did I enjoy the 2006 Superman Returns? Fuck no. That shit was terrible. Did I enjoy the new Man of Steel? Yes, much more than I expected. I went in there thinking it was going to be terrible, it was going to be 2006 all over again. I was delightfully surprised though! Even though it is officially rotten when critics reviewed it, 82% of users enjoyed it, and I’m officially in that 82%. I mean it’s only Monday after opening weekend and it has already officially made $116 million in the box office and is ranking number one.

I’m not saying that this film is prefect in any sense. There were many portions of the film where I sighed in disbelief. Many holes that the writers tried to fill, but did so poorly. But I’ll get back to that after I give you a quick synopsis, because the trailers for once don’t set up the plot. But I’ll leave one embedded here anyways.

So the movie opens up on Krypton with the first natural birth of a Kryptonian in centuries. (Apparently they have been using these Matrix like eggs/globes/pods to help with overpopulation? [*ahem* this movie is an observance on abortion and overpopulation *cough*]Every child’s destiny is predetermined to fulfill a position on the planet. This information comes in handy later when the antagonist of the story, General Zod (Michael Shannon), inexplicably gains the same powers that Superman took years to master, in a much faster manner.) Cut to Jor-El (Russell Crowe), father of Kal-El (Superman/Clark Kent), begging the high court that actions must be taken to preserve the Codex to save the heritage of Krypton. Action must be taken because the Kryptonians have been harvesting the

El and Van say goodbye to their son after only just meeting him

center of their planet for resources (much like Earthlings with oil) and the planet will soon implode/explode on itself. Jor-El’s warnings are not heeded though and General Zod commits treason against the high court in what he believes is the last attempt to save his people. Jor-El escapes during the confusion, steals the Codex (it contains the living DNA of any future Kryptonian) and ingrains the Codex into the living cells of infant Kal-El. Lara Lor-Van and Jor-El successfully send their son to what would be a nurturing planet where he would grow up to be a god among mortals.

And trust me, the writers and Director Zachary Snyder do nothing short of let you know Kal/Clark is a god figure. As a young boy they have Clark reading Plato! Seriously, as if! Then, they eventually have him fight an alien like hydra, and yes, Snyder pulls a Singer and has Superman fall backwards out of an airplane in a Christ like pose after a character utters “You can save her, you can save all of them.” So there is no shortage of god-like analogies in this film, but they also make so many other metaphors in this installment as well.

Man of Steel? More like Man of God.

The rest of the film is establishing what happened during Clark’s childhood (in flashback formation), accepting who he is and what he means to Earth, and fighting off General Zod and the few other Kryptonians that have survived the extinction of their planet because being exiled into the Phantom Zone was apparently the best thing the high court could do after they committed mass treason. General Zod comes to Earth to retrieve the Codex to rebuild his race on planet Earth, which would then extinguish the human race in the process. Well since Kal was adopted by human parents, he inadvertently “adopted” the human race back and will not stand for another race, whose time was over, come in and exterminate the lives of others.

Now that the topsy-turvy plot line is set up, I can go into some of the brilliant scenes they delivered! Zod heads on over to the Kent farm to try and find the Codex and threatens Martha Kent (Diane Lane) in the process. Superman then powerhouses into Zod and screams “Nobody threatens my mother!” or something to that extent, and it perfectly shows how Clark is the biggest Momma’s Boy, but is prefect nonetheless. There are two scenes that have a nod towards the next possible villain in the Superman universe. The first one happens when the audience sees Metropolians reacting to the chaos that is happening in the city. There’s a single shot of people on a boat away from the majority of the aliens. One man near the end of the frame is bald, pasty, and the only person wearing sunglasses (rather, expensive, douchy looking sunglasses). That’s right, Lex Luthor folks. Another clue is later, when I believe Superman is thrown into, or throws another bad guy into a “LexCorp” gasoline truck tank. And also a building! I didn’t realize the building, but apparently more people noticed that instead of the truck because when performing a Google search, I only found the building, so here’s that:

LexCorp Building!

Henry Cavill (who plays Kal-El/Clark/Superman) has already signed onto two more Superman films so I (and the rest of the Internet community) believe that Man of Steel was created as the pseudo Superman version of Batman Begins. And if that is the case, then I think they did a bang up job of it. It sure as hell wasn’t a Superman movie that could stand alone by itself, but if it’s part of a trilogy, than it’s a great opening act to the new Superman universe. And hey, I enjoyed this opening act much better than Batman Begins, that shit almost always put me to sleep.

The acting in the movie is alright. Cavill (who is apparently British, when I heard about that I was so pissed, the American superhero, casted as a Brit!?) did much better as Clark Kent then I ever expected. I’ve been saying that Tom Welling (Smallville) should have been the new Superman since 2006, and Amy Adams as Lois Lane is terrible. They played her up to be more of the girl next door than the cunning, brilliant, sly reporter that she is, so that is just unforgivable. They didn’t even dye her hair black OR brown? Like really Amy? You get the role Erica Durance (Smallville) should have most certainly had? One of the most influential woman characters in America, possibly the world, and you can’t die your hair for the part? Bugger right on off Miss Adams because that’s straight up crockery.

Lane and Cavill as Martha and Clark

There’s another poor performance in my opinion and who was Kevin Costner as Johnathan Kent. I know I’m being real prejudice with my Smallville actors, but still should had been John Schneider. The way they killed off Jonathan was just silly was well. (And that was not a spoiler, if you know the Superman universe, you know Johnathan dies during Clark’s youth.) It was incredibly distasteful, and was not a heart attack at all. That shit was bogus and left a bad taste in my mouth. Diane Lane as Martha Kent was pretty damn convincing though. As much as I love Annette O’Toole, Lane delivered the loving, kind mother Clark grew up with and still protected.

The scenery and musical score was done splendidly by the crew. The picture they paint that is planet Krypton is breathtaking, even as it destroys itself. The fighting scenes are done extraordinary well and will amaze you with it’s detail.

There ended up being a lack luster kiss between Lois and Superman near the end of the film which was super dissatisfying. I feel as though, if Man of Steel is the beginning of a trilogy they should have waited until the second film. What do we have to look forward too now? They took out all of the fun foreplay!  Their relationship isn’t all that interesting either. The Lois and Clark we all know is one where Lois pushes Clark to be better. This Lois seems to just agree and help out when she needs to. There is really is no enjoyment in watching them interact. The thing that I don’t get is that the writers even address that the first kiss should have waited! I believe the big climatic  kiss should happen after they defeat his main villain! Lex Luthor! Which should be happening in the second film! Just like Batman had his Joker in the best installment of the new Batman franchise.

Oh and Cavill is one hunk of hot man. So much that he is actually caught a flame in an opening scene. As much as I would have loved to see Tom Welling up on screen, the very buff, handsome Cavill does deliver in the making ladies all a quiver department. It would be like deciding which kind of apple is better.

Macintosh? (Welling)

Or Fuji? They are both delicious (Cavill)

The final scene is done humorously well. Clark decides on getting a job at The Daily Planet (for reasons he explains to Martha) and as he is introduced to people working there, Lois says “Welcome to the Planet, Mr. Clark.” And Indeed, as Man of Steel closes, the world has welcomed back Clark Kent and Superman into not only our world, but also our hearts.