Thank god, Lois Lane replaces that Lana Lang bitch in next season

After watching Man of Steel on Monday, I claimed how the movie would be loads better if they just casted the same actors from Smallville into the film. Me being the stubborn bitch that I am, I decided to go back and finish the series. I never ended up watching the entire series due to conflicts (going to college and all can really eat up your nights) so I just kept buying the box sets telling myself I’d get back to it one day. Well that day was today. I wanted to start at season 4 (I left off somewhere in season 5 but wanted to backtrack) but began at season 3 instead because 4 is at my school apartment and I am at home for the summer. Pretty much a bunch of petty bull shit you probably don’t care about.

So, I opened with season 3 after Clark Kent (the bodacious, yet young Tom Welling) has discovered more about his heritage and has been introduced to Red Kryptonite. (That’s the stuff that makes him stronger but more of an asshole, kind of like Bizarro, but a younger, not as crazy version of him.) He is living in Metropolis after the stone is presented to him (as a test) from his echoing father Jor-El. Only one person knows where clark is, and that is his best friend, (formerly in love with him) reporter Chloe Sullivan. The rest of the character’s lives are in shambles as Clark (who is going by Kal, his birth name) party’s it up in the city. The Kent’s farm has been foreclosed by the bank,  Lana Lang (Clark’s ill-conceived high school girlfriend) is in shambles after her now ex-boyfriend (who she neglected) ran away from home, and Lex Luthor (yes Superman’s future enemy is one of his best friends, lol) is assumed to be dead. He is not though, much like his future rival the man seems immortal after his gold-digging wife drugged him and left him to die in an airplane crash.

I am only 4 episodes in but that entire opening is eventually resolved in the first three. And not by Clark either, it is the other men of the story that end up saving the day. Lex saves the Kent’s farm by buying it and naming them in the deed. But we all know that Johnathan would never accept such a glorious gift and especially from a Luthor. But Lex get’s Johnathan to accept the deed after he explains that if it were not for John and Martha’s wedding gift (a compass) he would have never survived the plane crash and made it to an island. (Awe, how touching, you covered your 2 year character development with some sneaky present, good job writers.) Johnathan is then the one who eventually brings Clark back (and shortly eliminating Kal) by gaining similar Kryptonian powers when he asks for Jor-El’s help.

Do you see how gorgeous this man is?

And there we are. After all this drama was set up at the end of season 2, everything is cleared up by the end of episode 3, season 3, and we are then back to the kooky plot line’s that usually surround some sort of “meteoroid  freak” in the middle of Smallville. And that’s what we all love isn’t it?

Looking back on this high school favorite of mine is fantastic. The acting hasn’t become that bad looking back, and I still, cannot stand Lana Lang, but the plot line is able to keep my invested and I enjoy rewatching them. Granted, it’s been, what? HOLY FUCK, I JUST LOOKED IT UP, IT’S BEEN 10 YEARS. 10 years since season 3 premiered. WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE, WHY DID IT TAKE ME THIS LONG TO RETURN TO IT?! (Sobs uncontrollably in the corner staring at 10 year old photo of Tom Welling, wondering where the hell my youth went.) Anyways, it’s still just as easy to watch the episodes back to back like I did when I was younger. And I can’t wait to see where else this ride will take me this summer. It may be a long one considering how much more I have to watch (that being 7 entire seasons.).

If you were a fan of Man of Steel, or enjoy Superman and his origins in general, then you would love this (now retired) drama. It ran from 2001 (I was 11) to 2011 (then 21 year old me). Even though the episodes are 42 minutes long, it’s still something you should give a go on. And if you watched it when it first aired you will get all of the nostalgia feels like I did today.

Remember this shit here? That’s straight up nostalgia feels for box set, season 1

This is how real dogs play poker

So it’s been awhile eh? I feel as though the days of summer finally caught up with me and I became to busy to watch TV. Well there’s that, and the fact that I have been binge watching Smallville and I know for a fact you guys don’t want more thoughts on that. So today I decided to put Smallville away for a bit and watch the season 3 premiere of FX’s Wilfred. A brilliant little cable show that was created for American viewers off of an Australian show Wilfred. I don’t know much about the show down under, aside from the fact that the character who is the name sake of the show, is played by the same fellow, Jason Gann.

All you need to know about the U.S. version is that it is perfectly hilarious, and delivers, smart, clever, ridiculous punchlines. I remember seeing the teasers on FX back in 2011 before it premiered in June. I was anticipating the arrival of the show like a dog does a master. And if you didn’t know, the reason why it ended up doing so crazy well, is because the audience wanted to know why Ryan (Elijah Wood), a regular man could see a man in a dog suit (Wilfred). And still to this day, the audience has no real reason or proof of why this bizarre hallucination is happening to poor Ryan. We keep tuning in every season to see if it will be answered. And instead they just keep giving us more questions! The writers are great, and well trained in their bait and switch method. They suck us in at the beginning hoping that our burning questions will be answered, but soon after your chuckling and losing track of the questions and methods, and just genuinely enjoying the ride. That is until the last 2 episodes of the season air, and you remember you want to know what the fuck is up with Ryan and Wilfred’s relationship.

But alas season 3 does the same bait and switch that the writers have so cleverly become accustomed to. I may have a soft spot for comedies like this, because I’ve been dealing with that same viewership pain since How I Met Your Mother first aired in 2005.

I will say that season 3 starts off with a bang and then drags a bit. I feel as though this new season is trying to be too preachy and self serving and forgot why viewers keep tuning in each week. Which is A.) To find out why Ryan perceives Wilfred differently and B.) to see their cooky relationship antics and adventures. I rewatched episode one (Uncertainty) (to go into episode 2 with a fresh mind and for this review) and it didn’t have that same ability to entertain than other episodes do from the previous seasons. And that’s sad.  But episode 2 (Comfort) was able to grab my attention again with some very silly, uncomfortable jokes. So thankfully the second episode is able to deliver.

Season 3 opens just a few weeks after Jenna (Fiona Gubelmann) and newly wed husband, Drew (Chris Klein) go on their honeymoon. And life seems prefect for the two of them, and you begin to think that the feelings Ryan had for Jenna in the beginning of the series (the whole reason the then-suicidal Ryan agreed to watch Wilfred) have disappeared, and that truly, Jenna never reciprocated them. That feeling of certainty then vanishes at the end of the second episode when Ryan and Jenna share a moment on Ryan’s porch. Their feelings linger in the air as Jenna walks away at the end of the conversation, and you contemplate what will happen with the rest of the season. It seems as though the writers will be returning back to season 1′s antics of Ryan clawing desperately for Jenna’s attention.

Honestly, it may or may not be a good thing. In the beginning I wanted to see Jenna and Ryan end up together, I certainly never thought that her and Drew would ever tie the knot, and I never thought that they were compatible. The douchy douch guy dating the girl next door? How original.

Hopefully season 3 will deliver as much as the previous seasons have, but after only 2 episodes I am uncertain for Wilfred’s fate. But watch out for the titty shot. That scene was blissfully awkward and prefect.

Even they don’t know how it will turn out

PS the best way to watch Wilfred is during a drinking game which goes as follows:
Drink anytime someone treats Wilfred as a dog

Drink anytime Wilfred acts like a dog

Drink 3 times anytime Ryan treats Wilfred like a dog

Chug during the closing credits.
You’re welcome.

Poster Work

I know I was a bit late to the magic show, but at least I finally checked in. I am sorry it took me about three weeks to see the spectacular movie that is Now You See Me. The film is a whirlwind of fun and for a caper, mystery, magic, crime movie, it keeps you guessing. There are parts of the film that you can read into before hand, while there are other scenes that keep you pondering at the end of the film. It deserves more than one viewing for not only the latter reason but also because it is visually remarkable and astonishing to the viewer.  Don’t believe me? Watch this trailer:

The back of the Tarot Cards

The trailer in this case does not give much of a synopsis though. So let Jacki K give you a quick run down. The movie opens at four different corners of America with a different kind of Magic Performer  doing their own thing. Some with a smaller performance while others hold the attention of hundreds surrounding the stage. Each performer shocks and awes us as well. We see a hooded figure at each performance though. Then afterwards Daniel (Jesse Eisenberg), Henley (Isla Fisher), Merritt (Woody Harrelson), and Jack Wilder (Dave Franco) each find a Tarot Cards that tell them to meet at a certain (rather shabby) location in New York, New York. Daniel is given the Lovers card, Henley the High Priestess, Merritt the Hermit, and Jack-Death. They soon find out they were not the only one given a card and learn that they must work together to pull of the most majestic magic trick (or illusion, because you know, tricks are what whores do for money) in all of history.

The Four Horsemen

The rest of what happens is mind-bottling, irrational fun! But magic’s never really meant to be rational is it? Instead they have Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman) there to actually debunk the magic. Which I was unsure about at first. But then as tricks are revealed you realize this movie wouldn’t be nearly as delightful or interesting if they didn’t reveal how the Four Horsemen did it. The Four Horsemen is what the magicians call themselves and their show (which consists of 3 different locations and acts). As the feds, led by Detective Dylan (Mark Ruffalo) and the French Liaison Alma Dray (that french girl from Inglorious Basterds, Mélanie Laurent), try uselessly to solve how these magical thieves are getting away with stealing all of this money.

Eventually, it is revealed that the Four Horsemen are working together to prove that they are what “The Eye” is what they need. “The Eye” is a secret organization that protects the real magic? I think? It all happens so quickly that its difficult to clasp onto. Not everything is answered in the end, or that clearly, but I believe they do this to leave room for a sequel. Maybe not with the same star-studded cast (that would be a bit improbable without them getting arres… fuck, never-mind. Spoilers) which is sad because they all perform exquisitely.

The cast of Now You See Me is filled with class A performances and nicely deliver laughs, intrigue, and cleverness. I honestly believe that it was perfectly cast. Jessie Eisenberg plays the cocky control freak (not a difficult feat for him), Isla is a seductive temptress who enjoys playing games, Woody is a pure gem, as always a very sarcastic yet sincere man, and Dave is innocent with a side of hard core fighter. Freeman plays the previous magician who heartlessly destroys the tricks of the trade for profit stupendously well.  Ruffalo is craving for the attention that the audience rightly should deliver. And Michael Caine, the “benefactor” of the Four Horsemen, does an incredible job of making you love him then hate him. 

The writing is very clever, from looking back on who had what Tarot Cards bestowed to them, how they delivered the explanation of the heists, the proposal of the distractions, and debunking classic magic tricks all keep you entertained every single moment. Bravo to Ed Solomon, Boaz Yakin, and Edward Ricourt for writing such a wonderful plot with intriguing characters and thank you to Louis Leterrier for bringing it all to life.

In the end, Now You See Me will leave you with some unanswered questions, but the ride that it delivers before hand, it well worth the confusion.

Accurate photos of characters is accurate

Another accurate

The back of the throne

Yesterday a friend finally sat me down and forced me to begin watching Game of Thrones. Something I was avoiding because it was impossible to watch anywhere aside from HBO. And the fact that their DVD sets are outrageously priced. So there was a lot keeping me from this new cult phenomenon of a mystical world. I am currently 3 episodes in and I have to say, after a rocky start, I am ready for more Game of Thrones.

Now, no I have not read the books, but I was watching it with someone who has read the books and watched all of the seasons so far. Lucky me having someone to answer many of my questions and confusion. Because damn there are a shit ton of names in this bull shit. Holy frack, the first last name I was actually able to remember on my own was Stark House because it’s like Tony Stark. Dur.

Anyways. There’s a lot of fucked up things that happen in this show. If your interested in my live tweet stream during the first two episodes click on this. The thing I like so much about the show so far are the direwolfs. Those dogs are awesome, and I was real pissed during the end of the second episode. Like real mad.

This pup just ripped out an attackers jugular.

So when people say this show is all about sex and murder they really weren’t exaggerating.  I know being three episodes in it’s probably just the tip top of the iceberg. But the twincest? That was unexpected.

Drogo and Daenerys, one hot couple!

The show offers many twists and turns, and if you’re not paying attention closely enough you will get incredibly lost. But is seems well worth the confusion because there’s a smart plot, clever dialogue, and suburb acting. Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen probably performs the best acting I have seen in quite some time. I am looking forward to learning more about her character in the future.

The setting and background drop is beautiful. Nearly stepping into the shire at some points, while it seems as though you’re peering into a darker Pixar’s Brave during other moments. But the show does need to lighten up on the damn symbolism. Like holy crap, please stop busting my head against the bloody wall! I get it, winter is coming! Along with the white walkers and death! Along with whatever other hell will be happening this medieval world.

I have to say, I’m setting sail to see where Game of Thrones will take me in the next few days and  Iam excited for it. Let’s see where this bandwagon will take me and how often it will bring me to tears. Not to mention, the men and women are pretty attractive. I accept all hotness in all forms.

She’s the Man poster

She’s the Man is a wonderful teen comedy that came out in 2006 that starred Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum which I love. It’s clever, fun, awkward as hell, and loosely based of off Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, so that’s cool right? Totally. So I don’t have to give you the low down on the synopsis of the film here’s the most accurate trailer I could find that isn’t completely bad.

Anyways, the movie is chalk full of amazing scenes which are delivered by the comic genius, Amanda Bynes. Which is who I really want to talk about. She has gone of the crazy, insanely deep, deep end. You can see that via her twitter feed or any recent tabloid that is wreaking havoc on her mental breakdown. It makes the film that much more difficult to watch knowing what is going on in her life.

A thing you might have to know about me is that I adore Bynes. She is one of my favorite actresses and when I was younger I wanted to grow up to be just like her. An amazing, beautiful female comedian. I still watch The Amanda Show and the original All That whenever I can at home with a better stream of cable channels. I ended up watching She’s the Man with a fellow Bynes fan and we just kept discussing how heartbreaking her current dilemma is. She’s pulling a Brittney Spears hard right now, and I really hope she ends up coming out better on the other side.

Amanda plays a terrible boy though, nobody should ever actually believe that she is supposed to be a boy. A lesbian maybe, but a boy is unbelievable. But that just makes the film more charming.

The movie is fun beyond belief and it will remind you of the good old, non-crazy days of Amanda Bynes. Or might send you spiraling like it did me into “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY, AMAN-AMAN-AMANDAAAAAAAAAAAA?”

World War Z poster

Last night I went to see Word War Z, toting along with my mother who has recently become a crazed zombie fan thanks to The Walking Dead. Honestly I don’t know if she likes being on-edge every Sunday(?) night or if she has the hots for one of the characters. I know you must think that I am personally crazy if I don’t watch the critically-acclaimed drama about life after zombies. But zombie films do a really good job of either making me laugh, or keeping me on edge for the entirety of the film. The idea that zombies could exist today because of some mad scientist with too much power may or may not give me some serious bouts anxiety. If I don’t watch the movie or TV show, then no anxiety! Makes sense right? It’s not like I don’t watch any zombie films; the 28 franchise gave me a run for my money, I adored Warm Bodies, and Pet Sematary gave me nightmares as a kid.

Now that you know a bit more about your writer, I can get into the actual review and what drew me to the movie. So hold on tight, the satire and symbolism I talk about might create a bumpy ride, but it won’t be all that I talk about.

World War Z delivers all the classic zombie tropes while still making the theater Kegal exercise the shit out of their body. Could it scare a general audience member? Yes. Will classic zombie aficionados (CZA) have anything new to rave about? Most likely not. I can’t speak as a CZA because I don’t watch The Walking Dead or have seen every classic zombie movie created. But I do speak with knowledge of zombie films, what they represent, and the classic tropes that go hand in hand with a zombie film.

If anything I would have to say that  World War Z is a nice, blockbusting filler until you’re Walking Dead comes back

The running dead

out in October. So personally they probably should have released this a few weeks ago to give it a fair run in the box office before Walking Dead has it’s spectacular Season 4 Preview during July 4-7. But it could always go one of two ways, it could hurt the movie in the box office,or help, but only Rotten Tomatoes will know in time. Currently, WWZ is in 3rd place in the office with $29.8 million made, trailing behind Monsters University and The Heat, while being certified fresh.

WWZ is apparently (loosely) based off of the novel with the same name. I haven’t read it, but apparently The Oatmeal has. Our movie’s plot is about Brad Pitt’s character Gerry going back to work for the United Nations to try and find some sort of cure for the zombie pandemic that is swallowing the world up, cities with airports first. Gerry must of recently just quit his job, because the minute all this crazy shit starts happening in New York (I think it’s NY) Gerry is immediately called so a copter can find and rescue his family. (But the UN is really just interested in Gerry, they don’t give no fucks about his wife and two young daughters.)

The UN on giving fucks.

Anyhoo they convince Gerry to go on this near suicide mission which he at first refuses to do, but after the UN subtly points out that the people on this safe-boat military base are only their to be useful, Gerry changes his mind for his family. Oh, and Tommy, a boy who helped the family take refugee in an apartment in NJ for a night, who will with marry into the family or be adopted. I’m not sure how that plot line would develop in the future after the movie. Gerry then frolics around the world looking for a cure and beating zombies to death. There. That’s the synopsis right there.

What made me actually want to see WWZ was the story line behind the hordes of zombies and how they moved. Which they kind of answer…I mean the movement of the hordes is pretty sweet right? Like you cannot deny those fuckers are scary in the trailer. No? Here I found one for you. You’re welcome.

So the movie itself never really explains why the zombies eventually move in hordes, but the opening credits do. Which was done horrifically well. And that horrific manner isn’t done with blood and guts. It’s much more subtle than that. The opening credits is a whole bunch of cut scenes of classic America today along snip-its of animals and insects. The classic America shots are there to represent how the world was spinning as it does during any normal day. Although, soon the shots show little pieces of chaos here and there. Hushed newscasts that exclaim some sort of rabid break out happening in other corners of the world, and how the US will not stop international flights.

These scenes are juxtaposed to bugs and animals acting normal, but then turning violent. You see a jungle cat attacking its prey and ripping it to shreds. Ant colonies swarming it’s buggy brethren in a near cannibalistic manner. The ants attacking other bugs is the only explanation we have as we see the zombies work together in some sadistic manner by trampling on one another to get to their next healthy victim. Their sea-like horde could be similar to that of an intrusion of cockroaches.

Hey someone did think the same! This pic was already made! Yay!

What really makes these seemingly-ordinary opening credits stand out even more is that all of these scenes are shown through sharp fractions of the picture being blurred in the beginning. As if we are looking through a smudgy, dirty window at portions of the prefect American dream constantly moving. Then as the scenes turn anarchic the picture becomes more clear, things are seen for what they truly are. I applaud who ever created the opening credits, it might just be the most profound portion of the film, and the sad thing is, is that many people won’t realize what it represents. The regular movie goer might not truly understand what the beginning credits attribute to the movie, at least not during the first general watch.

The other portion of symbolism, which is near satirical, is when Pitt’s character tells the family which helped them survive that night in the apartment that “Life is movement.” It’s a pivotal quote in the movie as Gerry and his family leave the safety of the apt for the hope of the rescue copter and the head of the helping family decides they will stay behind.  That’s all I can talk about for this running theme because if I report any further on the topic I will cross spoiler territory.

Now I promised a list of classic zombie movie tropes used in the film, so here are some classic moments that will make you laugh, frightened, slap your face in disbelief, or nod in approval.

1. One of Gerry’s kids has asthma and gets an attack 10 minutes in. Why wouldn’t they include that?

   Said awesome female solider

2. Gerry wises up and counts how long it takes from being bitten and dead to being infected and undead.
3. Gerry chops off an awesome woman soldier’s fore arm which then saves her from becoming infected after being bitten. “How did you know that would work?” she asks. “I didn’t” Gerry replies. I half wish he said “I saw it  in a movie once.” Because really that would have been hilarious. They also then cleverly cover up her arm for the rest of the film with a sling.
4. The option of self sacrifice from Gerry when he got some of their blood in  his mouth. (Gerry’s thoughts: “Maybe watching all of those zombie films actually came in handy!”)
5. Gerry’s wife is a dumb ass and calls her husband’s satellite phone some time after their original phone call drops and nearly gets her love killed.
6. Oh, another self sacrifice by a military guy who gets bitten because Gerry’s wife calls him back.
7. Silly zombie mouth movement that is either supposed to be funny to break the intensity, or supposed to be scary but is instead deliciously humerus. I’m not sure what the writers meant to do with this one.

So that’s everything I think you should know before seeing WWZ, or maybe after you see it. Many people come to my reviews after they see the movie. You should see what my search index is for This is The End. That shit is funny.

Anyways, World War Z delivers in the scare department. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t on edge during portions of the movie, but I would also be lying if I said I didn’t  slap my face in dismayment of some character’s stupidity.

This is how you shouldn’t feel about the movie though, there were only a few slow portions. 

DM2 poster

By far the funnest animation of the summer came out this previous Wednesday to wreak havoc in the box office. And havoc was wreaked by Despicable Me 2 and all was well in the world. I was lucky enough to see it Thursday night with my father who I had seen the original with.

The movie really starts off with little Agnes’ birthday party where Gru is being by far the best father in the world to these 3 little girls. The detail they go into with the princess party theme is brilliant. All of the kids are dressed up in theme related costumes aside from Edith. Who of course is in ninja garb. Which she dons almost the entire time. I love this scene for so many reasons, but the main three are:

1. You have girls and boys wearing whatever costumes they want, girls aren’t just princesses but also knights (etc.).
2. When the hired fairy princess cancels last minute, Gru cross dresses as a fairy princess for his beloved Agnes.
3. There is an adorable scene with the Minions attacking a medieval villain dressed as knights, and of course end up attacking one another.

After directors Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud remind you why you loved the first film we then are graced with the synopsis of the film. Which can be done with the following trailer:

The lady in the blue who kidnaps Gru for the Anti-Villain League (AVL) is Lucy, she eventually becomes Gru’s partner and (obvious) love interest while they try to figure out who the new villain in town (or the mall) is and why they stole a monstrous formula. The movie is predictable but let’s not forget this happens to be a children’s film that adults ended up loving just as much.

It’s interesting to see how the animators ended up throwing in the little details which were there to help the audience draw comparisons to the character. The easiest by far is to watch which characters have scarves. Gru has his classic dressing garb which hasn’t changed even though he claims to be good instead of evil now. Or are at least neutral. Both ends of his scarves are in the front, with his black and grey stripped pattern that mimics that of a cloak. Lucy, his soon to be love interest wear’s a robin blue dress with a white and pink poke-a-dot scarf that drapes behind her, mimicking a cape. Showing quite clearly how opposites attract.

Oedipus Complex happening right here

Of course Margo is getting to the age where she begins to like boys, as it is foreshadowed in the above trailer. She ends up crushing hard over a boy with a charming accent who happens to wear a black leather coat and grey scarf. He is a bad boy, thus drawing some eerie Oedipus complex to the pre-pubescent girl. Of course these small outfit details are all there for the adults, nothing that children would ever catch on to.

There are many other details that one can catch in the background which are entertaining in some manner or another. The same goes for watching what the minions do. They are as always the best part of the film next to Gru’s interaction with his girls. But looking out for what individual minions are doing in group scenes is a jolly good hunt all in it’s own. There’s some good news for minion fans too. They’re getting their own movie due in December 2014 which acts as a prequel to the Despicable Me universe. The movie’s helm is Minions.

Knowing how Hollywood’s creative well runs dry incredibly fast, and when Despicable Me graced the theaters in 2010 we were surprised and tickled to the bone with a breath of fresh air. The sequel is a fun adventure with our new favorite characters returning to the story, but with the movie making $50 million in its first 3 days, I am sure that we will see another Despicable Me sequel in the near furutre as well. Hollywood has a new money maker and I am sure they will squeeze every last drop out of it. Let’s just hope that when Despicable Me 3 comes out we have (spoilers) newly weds Gru and Lucy turning into evil villains bent on creating havoc (hopefully with unicorns and rainbows), if even for a short period of time, on the world. Hollywood can do so much more with evil protagonists, which is what made the first movie that much fun and original in the first place. (END SPOILERS)

One of the major plot lines are the minions being stolen, without Gru realizing it. He just thinks they end up having vacation days around the same time. The new bad guy on the block is turning the Minions into crazy, indestructible, evil minions. Who happen to be purple. The evil serum that turns the minions evil is first introduced to us on a bunny. Which then directly reminds me of the children’s song “I think I’m a bunny.” So I believe who ever created the below concept had to have heard this crazy child’s song at one point or another.

Despicable Me 2 is certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes and has been demolishing Disney’s Lone Ranger which cost around $250 million to make. After just 5 days, Gru and his Minions have been smashing records and have accumulated about $130 million. And today is only Saturday. Sorry Johnny, seems as though Disney needs to hire a “date consultant” maybe you should give them my number, I could have kept your movie from bombing in the box office and tell you when it should of came out.

Mars Attacks poster

This past weekend Jacki K ended up drinking a lot more than she watched TV or movies. Some movies Drunk Jacki did watch this holiday weekend was 21& Over, Independence Day, and Mars Attacks. Guess which one I’m going to write about on today, July 8^th, the 66^th anniversary of the Roswell UFO crashing? (PS You’re supposed to guess before you read the title.) Did you guess Independence Day? Well, since I should have written that review on the fourth and didn’t you would think today would be an appropriate day right? NOPE, just kidding this review is on the quirky-cult favorite Mars Attacks.

This comedy sci-fi was released in 1996 with an all-star, highly-dysfunctional cast just a mere 49 years after America first became infatuated with little green men from another planet on the historic summer day in 1947. Director Tim Burton brings A-listers like Jack Nicholson (as the US President), Glenn Close (the First Lady), Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, and Natalie Portman (daughter of the President) and has them acting in the cheesiest manner possible together.

The plot is quite simple though, all of a sudden, with no warning, Martians land in America, and after they claim they “have come in peace” a dove is released from a by-standing hippie and all vaporizing hell breaks loose. And thus we finally have the crazy pandemic disaster movie that well all love in full bloom.

Look at this alien walking around as a human woman. Why the hell couldn’t you see through this Short?

The costumes really help make the movie that much more outrages. If it weren’t for amazingly terrible portrayal of an alien masquerading as a women trying to sleep with Short’s character (the Press Secretary) we would have never reached cult status as quickly as it did.

Mars Attacks is a great disaster sci-fi movie that will keep you laughing and entertaining the whole 106 minutes. It’s a wonderful, cheesy movie that you can watching during any season, by yourself or with numerous friends. And it never gets old. How could Sarah Jessica Parker’s head on chihuahua’s body ever get old?

How could this ever get old?

Camp

Camp premiered last night (Wednesday the 10th of July at 10 PM) on NBC, and ironically the only reason my review wasn’t written last night after viewing it is because I had to pack for my own four day camping trip. Suffice to say you readers of mine won’t be getting any new reviews for a few days. Camp is an hour long comedy filled with outdoorsy and camp like tropes that make you wish you had the chance to be a camp counselor once in your life.

Although Camp doesn’t really offer anything new to the table—we still have the counselors shacking up together, smoking pot, and drinking booze, while the owner of the camp is struggling to make ends meet, has a much more successful rival camp across the lake, a septic tank busts, and of course there are scantily-clad teenage girls anytime there is a lake scene—it is still a riot of fun and relatively fresh.

Like I said, it’s filled with camping tropes, but it’s like a guilty pleasure to watch. I myself am a HUGE Friday the 13^th franchise fan and truly hope that they have a parody episode at some point this season, much like USA’s Psych did a few seasons back. All these camp counselors are doing exactly what our classic 80’s movies made us believe being a camp counselor would do, so it only makes sense to make such an episode.

LET’S SMOKE SOME DOPE!

And since I never was a camp counselor (a summer dream job laid to waste now) I would like to firmly believe that this comedy is exactly how it would have happened for me. I do realize that Camp is most likely portraying a false fantasy. But I believe this show was made specifically to help us non-counselors live out our summer dream this season. And perhaps actual past camp counselors will have a good chuckle at what this new NBC comedy has to offer.

I for one am very excited to see what the show will offer if permitted to show the entire season. I never know how summer premiers will go for new shows. The only way I found out about the show (on a network I never watch) was thanks to a suggested post that popped up on my newsfeed on Facebook yesterday. So thank goodness for that. But considering the show is about a summer camp, it only makes sense to premiere in July. That way, as long as it doesn’t get cancelled, it should end by the time school begins so it will feel like a real goodbye to the characters and Family Camp Otter (the name of the camp we are visiting). Having it at air at 10 PM shouldn’t cause a problem either, because it’s late enough at night and in the middle of the week, so viewers should be there.

I’m a bit surprised about how good the acting is in the show. For me at least, the entire cast is filled with no-names I’ve never seen before. But for never seeing these actors in anything else, they play the camp scene incredibly well. I didn’t scoff at a single performance, so go NBC on casting some great people. All the characters bring something important to the table and because I’ve never seen them in anything else, the characters feel that much more relatable.

The writing seems creative and fresh while sticking to the basics of camp life. Some of the plot is

Our recently divorced, struggling to get by camp owner who gives us a monologue 

If you would like to check out Camp’s pilot episode, click here to go to NBC’s website and check it out. After you watch the show, head on back over here and comment below with your thoughts, especially if you yourself were ever a camp counselor, what do you think about the show’s classic tropes?

tried and predictable, but they actually address that at the end with a very cheesy monologue that sums up what the show will be with a few sentences. And that’s what NBC’s Camp will be like, a cheese fest of camp drama, comedy, character depth and development, but I promise you, if you check into Camp Otter you’re gonna love every moment of it.

The Ninth and Rose

Wow, so, it’s been longer than a week since I have written a blog, but I swear it’s for good reason. I went on that camping trip, then to Cedar Point, and began a new job. SO it’s been a busy week and a half. I haven’t really watched anything new lately, but I did rewatch the first series of Doctor Who to get my younger cousin introduced to the fandom. So today’s post will be about beginning the fanatical, phonomenal Doctor Who franchise again.

I first introduced myself to Doctor Who in the winter of 2013, I had just recently joined tumblr, and was also accepted into a study abroad opportunity that would have me in London for 2 weeks in May. To read about that experience you can travel on over to my other blog. You may wonder why I’m tell you all this, but I’m getting to that Mister Impatient. I once before tried to watch The Doctor, but found it near impossible to get past the first ten minutes of the 2005 revival. I gave up, but then I joined tumblr. I followed fandom bloggers because I myself enjoy movie and TV gifsets and references. I then became a fandom blogger. My world was surrounded the SuperWhoLock, while I was only a part of the Supernatural fandom, and was slow at keeping up with the more recent episodes to begin with. It was doctor after doctor of funny quips, clever lines, and beautiful plot lines and scenery. I knew I had to be missing out on something.

That something eventually became a much bigger portion of my life than I could have ever imagine.

My first Doctor was Christopher Eccleston, the ninth incarnation of The Doctor. And although I just wanted to get to Tennant, the Tenth, I enjoyed Eccleston’s portrayal. After beginning at Rose the other day, I truly appreciate how fantastic and sassy Eccleston was in his big leather jacket. The second bout around, I can understand the English accents better and therefore catch more of the witty, clever lines in the show. And of course, I am more watchful of the TARDIS in the background shots, before, when I began, I never knew how important the TARDIS is to the show.

I am so impressive!

As you may realize now, I have seen every episode offered on Netflix, which is where I watched it. So I am through Series 6, but have watched 6 episodes of series 7. Something that I am really enjoying about going back in time, is that I get to experience Rose again. Someone who was completely ordinary, and then, because of her travels with The Doctor, she became extraordinary. That is something the newer episodes lack. Normal people who become the Doctor’s companions, that then grow and change for the better.

If you yourself have never watched Doctor Who, then you sir or madam or alien, whatever you are, are missing out. It can be a difficult show to stomach with some episodes here and there, but trust me the acid reflux is worth pushing through to get to those real golden episodes. Doctor Who is really my first SciFi TV show that has gotten me head over heels, and also my first BBC show. (don’t worry it is not my last.) If you need anyone to help you through the confusion, come to me, my future whovians. Comment below and I can help you get through the tough spots, because I too, was recently there. And if you were already a whovian, what was your experience like going back and starting from the beginning in 2005? Did you smile at it fondly and quote to your little hearts desire? Because I certainly did.

Sabrina, my youth

GUYS GUYES GUYS GUYES, I am currently house sitting for my brother, who happens to have like hundreds more television channels than me. And out of all those channels what did the 23 year old graduate student choose to watch? Sabrina the Teenage Witch obviously.

And strolling down nostalgic lane was so much fun! I loved seeing the familiar characters and quirky plot twists. Seeing Sabrina get into her daily hi-jinks while trying to figure out how to be a teen is just as enjoyable now as it was when it was part of a TGIF lineup. It’s incredibly saddening to realize this show came out in 1996 and ended in 2003. I was between the ages of 6 and 13 when I was obsessed with a show about a teenage girl played by a 20 year old (in 1996). Isn’t that weird? We never realize as children that our “teen idols” are really not teenagers.

The episodes I ended up watching were when Sabrina was a sophomore in high school from what I could tell. Her and her high school boyfriend, Harvey, haven’t even kissed yet, and aren’t officially together yet. They are still playing around the hem of that unstable relationship.

One of my favorite characters from the show is obviously Salem, there pet cat who is actually more of a prisoner living out his life sentence (which for witches is really long) as a transfigured, domesticated, talking cat. I’m pretty sure he is the favorite of many other people because check out this great tag over on tumblr. Even if he was only a puppet half of the time.

Salem the Imprisoned cat

Crazy Aunt Hilda is a close second, she is by far the more interesting of the tow, because we all hated Aunt Zelda, that tight butt stickler for all them rules.

Anyways, if you get the chance to go down memory lane, holler at me! Comment below on your thoughts of an old favorite!

Also, Thank the world for MTV2

STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS poster

So I finally got around to watching a not so legal copy of Star Trek: Into Darkness, but hey guys, I’m working two jobs and don’t really have free time when theaters are open, don’t get mad at me for watching one of the summer’s most special effects driven epics through a bloated lens on my HDTV at home after 10 PM. We movie watchers have to do what we got to do.

I will admit it probably wasn’t my best idea, because now I won’t praise the movie as much as I could have if viewed in theaters. I would have appreciated the movie’s gratuitous fight scenes, explosions, and cheekbones, that much more.

I’m a bit surprised I had to stitch these photos together and that tumblr hadn’t made a post about the many cheekbones of STiD, but whatever.

That’s a lot of panty dropping cheekbone action right there, click on the pic for a bigger version of it.

Anyways. STiD is a mediocre film that can hold your attention for the majority of the duration. I’m a bit surprised that it’s certified fresh for both critics and users. For the most part, the plot was predictable, and I feel as though the antagonist was too likeable. I know that liking Khan and playing into his hand was supposed to part of the central plot, but in the end I still liked him. Even after he almost *spoilers* blew up the Enterprise. But trust me, me liking Khan, would have gone straight into space if they would have killed off Anton Yelchin‘s character Chekov. Which for a moment I thought he fell out of the ship. *End Spoilers.*

Anyways, yes I might have a soft spot for the British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, because I’m SHERLOCKED, but that doesn’t give JJ Abrams any reason to slack off when it comes to better directing. In my opinion, Khan was just to darn nice to be the “ALL MENACING WARRIOR AGAINST STAR FLEET.” Come on, yeah he was tricky, conniving, and manipulative, but he was also kind, careful, and concerned. *Moar spoilers* And yes I realize that if he would have been successful in reviving his fellow people, the earth would have had some grade A bull shit to sort through  BUT, well shit, I don’t have a response to that. But still this Khan, if he were that bad, why did they end up refreezing him and not executing him? *End spoilers*

What I was really looking forward to though, was the execution of relationships in this new installment. And I have to say, they did a pretty bang up job doing that. I really enjoyed Scotty’s character, again in this, “I’VE BEEN GONE FROM THE SHIP FOR ONE DAY!” And of course, Spock and Kirk’s relationship was as adorable as ever. They did a great job when it came to character development. So yeah, their acting was pretty good too, Pine’s was a bit over the top sometimes, but I didn’t laugh too much.

I look forward to purchasing the Blu-ray copy of the film to give it a better chance. But as of now, Star Trek was much better than this half-assed written sequel.

Unstoppable poster

I ended up watching Unstoppable , (2010) not in one fluid continuity, but I still ended up seeing all 98 minutes of it. While also rereading The Sea of Monsters, because I seriously cannot wait until August 7th for that bad boy to hit theaters. But coming an hour into Unstoppable on FX and then watching it from the beginning when it aired directly afterwards was a bit of fun.

I ended up watching it with my father, which was lucky for me, because he has some knowledge of trains and knew that this was a Hollywood adaptation of a real life story. He provided much information that would had been lost on me, and also told me when to look up from my book. So he has his perks.

Considering this is a film about a run away locomotive in Pennsylvania, with no people on it, only some form of hazardous waste,  it did a pretty intense job of delivering on the edge of your seat action. The true story apparently happened in Ohio though, and considering every one of my favorite shows or movies mention someone or something from OHIO, I WAS SURPRISED THEY CHANGED THE LOCATION. Sorry, I myself am from Ohio, and wish to be a part of the entertainment industry some day, and get real steamed when they bring up Ohio, but can’t take two god damn seconds to come out here and find a great talent just waiting to be unleashed.

Anywho. The handsome Chris Pine is co-starring with Denzel Washington on this ride to stop the locomotive before it reaches a certain curb that could cause mass destruction. Both of their acting skills preform well in this action thriller, and you really care about if they live of die. But I must say this one thing about the ending, so *spoilers* You know how Will, Chris’ character is having this legal fight with a restraining order thingy with his wife? And how this portion of the plot it supposed to make you feel bad for Will and hope that he works things out with his wife in the end? THAT MY FRIENDS IS PURE ADULTERATED BULL SHIT. In the end, they end up back together after his wife ends up watching the heroic deeds go on through newscasts. This is so bad for their marriage. Will did something wrong, he pulled a gun on an officer and scared the shit out of his wife. All because his wife wasn’t openly communicating with her husband and kept things from him. After she sees him save the train, she’s happy, and willing to go back to him, without even talking about, or finishing their thoughts on what kicked him out of the house in the first place. Just because your “prince” ended up saving some people, doesn’t mean that he’s radically changed and won’t flip the fuck out at you again later for something. That is real shitty Hollywood, real shitty. *end spoilers.*

She’s totally going to come back to me if I save this train. IT HAS TO WORK

So aside from that petty, caramelized, happy Hollywood ending, the movie was enjoyable to pass the time. It obviously didn’t hold my attention the entire time, because I also read m book, but it held it when it needed too. If it happens to be on FX again, (which I’m sure it will be) go ahead and check it out.

Poster

While I was in London, I got onto Netflix and saw all of these amazing movies and TV shows that were available there, that apparently aren’t here. If I could have sat around and watched British television shows all day in one of the most amazing cities in the world, I probably would have, but the sites called to me. The only thing I actually watched while there were show’s I’ve already seen before, those being Doctor Who and Sherlock. Hey stop giving me that face, of course I would watch those while in London! I’m a sucker for that kind of stuff.

The  cruel irony of not having what’s offered in the UK, in the US, is that the only show I recall wanting to watch is the Mighty Boosh, when there was like at least 10 other shows and movies I wanted to stream. And guess which one wasn’t offered when I got back that I’d been dying to watch lately? THE FREAKING EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE. An American movie that was only offered over there! I was soooooooooooo pissed. How could you do that to me Netflix? It doesn’t even make sense.

Anyways, I downloaded it and finally have gotten my fix in. And it was worth the wait. Although, I never get to try any of Kronk’s spinach puffs.

The adorable Kronk

Kuzco meets other disney princesses

The Emperor’s New Groove is one of those underrated Disney movies that didn’t get a cult following because there was no nonsensical princess. Instead we have a demanding, egotistical prince who must go through a life changing experience to become a better ruler of his people.

Along for the ride we have Pacha, Kronk, Yzma, Chica, and Bucky the Squirrel. Pacha helps Kuzco (the Emperor, voiced by David Spade) find his way back to his kingdom after he accidentally kidnaps Kuzco as a llama. Kuzco became a llama after his caretaker? Yzma was fired by him and she tried to kill him. The murder got a bit mixed up when her comical sidekick Kronk got the poison’s mixed up at the dinner table. Bucky is a form of adorable comic relief when we find out that Kronk speaks woodland creature, and Chica is Pacha’s wife who helps Pacha and Kuzco out in a tight pinch.

Over all the movie may be even more enjoyable as a young adult now, than it ever was when I was little. There are so many more jokes to catch onto, and animation tactics to applaud at. Did you guys know that Disney is no longer using classic animation style any more? That everything will be computer generated? Old news, I know, but incredibly depressing news. To think that my future child won’t ever get to see a new classic Disney movie on the big screen, is awfully depressing.  Especially when you realize that The Princess and the Frog was the last hand-drawn animation from the studio.

Bucky and Kronk

But maybe this is a way to drive eventual sales? What if they say they cancel all hand-drawn movies, and 10 years from now, come out with a classic story in hand drawn animation, and blow all of our minds out of the water!? It could be a classic Grimm story that hasn’t been done by their animation department. Like Red Riding Hood, Hansel & Gretel, or even Rumpelstiltskin. I think that would make for a great marketing ploy and would sell tickets through the roof.

Anywhoo…. back to the movie… Um I loved when they had to dress Kuzco as a woman to get into a restaurant. I always love when kid movies show a male character dressing as a woman and conservative adults around the country don’t get upset about it. They realize that their kid just watched a man cross-dress as a woman and their children laughed about it, right?! I address this also in my Despicable Me 2 review.

Fourth wall, smourth wall

The voice acting is wonderful. Did you guys realize that the woman who voices Yzma is the same “witch” from Earnest Scared Stupid? It only took me about 20 minutes to realize I recognized her voice from my childhood, but once I did, hot damn was I happy! Such a classic voice too.

I also love Patrick Wilburn.  Not only does he voice my beloved Brock Sampson, but he pairs up with David Spade again in their romantic sitcom Rules of Engagement. But Wilburn brings real life to Kronk, and I love how innocent he is in this film. They break the fourth wall pretty well in this film too.

Anyways, if this review has you jonesing for some Kuzco and Kronk, but like me, you don’t own a physical copy of it, check out the below video I found of some of the funniest moments in the movie.

Also, Netfilx if you’re reading this, I swear TO BOB, IF YOU END UP PUTTING THIS MOVIE ON YOUR QUEUE AFTER I DOWNLOADED IT, I WILL BE SO MAD AT YOU. Netflix likes to play “I don’t have this movie currently,” and when I download it and watch it, Netflix likes to play, “Oh hey, I saw you wanted to watch this movie, so I put it on here for you, just because I like you so much. You’ve no idea how many strings I had to pull for you.”

Why must you do this to me? Every time?

Army of Darkness Poster

GUYS IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ME 17 YEARS OF PURE LOVE OF HORROR TO FINALLY WATCH ARMY OF DARKNESS, BUT PLEASE RESTRAIN FROM THE HATE COMMENTS. I love horror right? I have since the age of like 6. And I was always told that the Evil Dead is this amazing, cheesy, horror franchise of blood, gore, and crazy shit. But after I was scared and scarred after watching the first installment I dubbed the franchise to scary to watch by myself. I tried again when the new Evil Dead came out, and got through the first two before seeing the new film in theaters. At the time I figured it was all I needed. And I was write about that. But I was wrong about putting the movie off for so long.

Army of Darkness is by far one of the most fun, ridiculous, goofy, smart horror movies that I have had the privilege of seeing. It isn’t nearly as gory as the first two, but it is in deed a sequel to them. Hard to believe that a movie with hardly any blood shed is a part of the Evil Dead Franchise, but it’s true. If you need a quick synopsis, Ash get’s sent back to mid-eval times and must retrieve the Necronomicon, a book that can send him back to his rightful era, 1992. For a more fun, detailed synopsis watch the below trailer I found for you:

Anyways, the movie is filled with what I now realize, are classic quotes and hilarious moments. We get to see Ash hone in on his chainsaw skills again, but he also gets a metal, full-functioning hand, which isn’t nearly as bad ass, but I guess works better for him in the long run. I’d have to say that one of my favorite moments is when Ash barriers himself into a windmill (which is reminiscent of that old Mexican Fable of that crazy bat who fought the windmills, if you know what I’m talking about, do you see the eerie references?).

Anyways, Ash checks himself out in a mirror, then he then tosses the mirrion on the ground. his reflection breaks, and 20 or 30 little Ashes come out of the shard and begin tormenting our hero. They even tie him down like the small town people do in Gulliver’s Travels. I bet Bruce Campbell had a blast filming himself doing remarkably funny actions to himself.

Ash on Ash, on Ash on Ash

The plot is silly, the acting is meh, but this movie is so bad that it’s good. I can finally understand why so many people sat there and told me the Evil Dead franchise is part of the  goofy, nonchalant horror genre. It just took me until the 3rd installment to see why.

Princess and the frog poster

Or a more fitting title would be WHAT YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY BE UPSET ABOUT WITH THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG, INSTEAD OF THE RACISM. 

Don’t get me wrong, I actually really enjoyed The Princess and the Frog. For the longest time I refused to watch it because I was under the biased assumption that it looked extremely racist. But then tumblr got to me, and I kept seeing posts that were incredibly too cute to pass up.

Before I explain you a thing, I do want to say that the animation of this film is beautifully done. In a previous post I ranted about how this film was the last hand-drawn film to be made by Disney. The scenery is wonderfully drawn and just breath taking in general. The movie also had many funny, cute, and adorable moments and jokes. And the characters are interesting enough to watch for 90 minutes. I especially enjoyed the jazzy alligator Louis.

Now, about that thing. I heard the rumor mill spinning about how racist this new Disney film was, and it was based around the African American culture in St. Louis during the 1920′s. Which by the way, there was still plenty of real racism happening in the 20s. Let’s not forget that Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat up in the 1956 in the state of Alabama. A mere 30 years later.

So why should you not be mad about a little lightening bug being a tad bit of dumb-black stereotype, and the voodoo witch doctors? Well because Disney is just playing into the colorful background that is provided for their plot. Don’t believe me? They’ve done it like a hundred times before in all of their own classic movies. Here’s a short, complied list of what I think are the top offenders.

Look at that lip

The Little Mermaid- 1870′s Under the sea/any land against the ocean

The culprit – A Jamaican, big-lipped, fun-loving, singing cretaceous. Sebastian.

People seem to focus on his lyrics that seem to pander in slacking off under the sea, but the real reason Disney is giving us a character full of color and boldness is because they are under the sea, people! He’s given a Jamaican accent and a giant bottom lip reminiscent of any pure blood Jamaican man in a band! There’s no fowl play when they’re using the setting around them.

Mulan- Ancient China

Please bring honor to us all

The culprit- Any person who thinks a woman has no worth. The entire opening song about honor

Is this racist? No, you want to know why? Because this is an actual sexist thought that is a part of their culture. It’s been known that throughout history the Chinese want only boy babies, and that some infant girls have actually been tossed into the trash. Whether this is actually true or just a similar myth to the American’s Prom Night Dumpster Babies is something I’d rather not sort through.

Pocahontas- 17th century America

The culprit- Really the whole movie. And Pocahontas’s torso.

But I only have one thing to say. All them Indian titties would be exposed Disney. Lets get real here, real fast.

look at it in shame

Beauty and the Beast- France 1770s

The culprits- a loose maid who can’t keep her legs together, a tight-laced waiter who obeys every word, and a sly, romantic candlestick that can’t keep his hands off of a woman. Fifi, Cogsworth, and Lumiere.

That’s right Fifi the feather-duster is a prime example of a french whore. She enjoys spending time with Lumiere, a gallivant man whore with sticky fingers. But were accepting of this because France is the city of love, and if we Americans were to go there and didn’t have a French woman saying “oh-la-la” to our American dicks in less than 3 days, you bet there would be some kind of demand for their money back. But I have never seen anyone piss and moan about these characters which are stereotypical and racist? Culturalist? And Cogsworth is just an uptight butler, with a pudgy stomach that turns his face up to any rule breaking. Sounds like a French butler in any movie that I have ever heard of.

No, No, people don’t realize it, but Disney is just utilizing the character archetypes of that general era and setting. So don’t bitch and moan that The Princess and the Frog is racist because of a few characters, while a beloved classic goes by year after year without anyone realizing how it plays the same fiddle, just with a different tune.

What you should be mad about as a viewer, is the moral of the story. In the beginning Tiana is a strong-willed woman who works two jobs to support herself and her dream to own a restaurant someday. Sounds like a pretty awesome girl doesn’t she? But where’s that leave for her character development to go? Oh, only down. The moral of the story was love. Just love. If you can end up falling for the guy you originally despised, who is a womanizing player, who you have nothing in common with (aside from turning into a frog together) then everything’s going to work out fine in the end for you and all your dreams will come true. Sounds like a great moral right? I’m surprised that’s not what the public was upset about. That in the end, love can conquer all, and if you find the right bloak, he’ll help you make your dream come true.

Guys, come on, I can’t be the only one?

Also, the Prince frog in this movie is a total rip off of Jean Bob from the amazing 1994 Swan Princess.

Jean Bob was awesome at being a talking frog before it was cool

Moss, Jen, and Roy

Do you guys remember that quirky British comedy that came out around 2006, but didn’t really hit the states until 2008? It was called The IT Crowd and to anyone who was unaware about the premise of the show, maybe thought that the show was about an IT CROWD. Like the popular crowd. The new IT item. You know, that end of the social spectrum. Ironically, the show is about something completely different. It’s about the I.T. Department at a high end business with many levels to one building in London, England. And as you can imagine,  the three main characters are quite awkward, and two of them are a bit  on the antisocial side.

Honestly, I forgot about how much I enjoyed the show when I was 18, but looking back now, I realize how much I was probably missing. At the age of 23 I now have much more knowledge about computers than I ever did then, and so many of the jokes are just that much more brilliant. Especially after visiting London myself, and being a bit more culturally aware of different jokes and references.

The show is based around 2 socially awkward computer nerds who are Roy and Moss, (played by Chris O’Dowd and Richard Ayoade, both of which I have a major crush on, Ayoade more so in this show. There’s just something about a nerd in glasses who doesn’t know how to handle himself around woman talk that I find arousing.) and their “Relationships Manager” Jen (played by Katherine Parkinson).

The show is bloody brilliant, but it’s a bit depressing that there’s only four seasons of the clever show, 24 episodes in total. I wonder though, is there even such a thing as the IT department still around today? Having the basic knowledge of turning something off and on again in today’s world is a needed asset.

I have watched nearly all four seasons in about 3 days and have loved every minute of it. It has its perks watching them all at once in a short sprint. There are running jokes that they continue on in the third and fourth season that was once sad lightly in season one. And it just so happened that some of the jokes affect with my everyday life on occasion. For instance, Moss’ invention of a bathtub ladder for moths was something I could have used today! I mean, not really, the moth was near the upper half of the bathtub today and wouldn’t be able to use a ladder anyways. But the fact that I watched the “Smoke and Mirrors” last night with the moth joke just made me shower that much more spectacular.

Here I am with my moth buddy.

I love all of the actors and characters, especially Moss and Richmond (played by the amazing Noel Fielding), except maybe Jen. She’s a bit unbearable. The show is pure comic genius, and I highly suggest you give it a go, even if you don’t know what I.T. stands for in the IT Department.

Richmond, Roy, Jen, and Moss

We’re the Millers* Poster

We’re the Millers was being advertised as the drop kick, funniest movie of the summer; now was it that? No, it was not. This was though. Was it funny? Yes, did it make me shit myself from laughter? No, could I have waited to see it for free or rental? Yes. Yes, I could have, and yes you could as well.

We’re the Millers, has an amazing cast that could deliver laughs and make you squirm in awkward pain, but I don’t think they delivered their full potential. It’s a fun movie to sit back and enjoy sober, but it may just be loads funnier if you’re drunk or stoned while viewing the movie. It only makes sense considering the nature of the film right? Oh, wait do you not know the premise of the movie yet?

Well the very handsome Jason Sudeikis is a drug dealer, who was stupid yet honorable enough to help his very naive 18 year old neighbor Kenny (Will Poulter) help a very rude runaway, Casey (Emma Roberts) . Casey was getting mugged by a couple of hoodlums who then rob Jason’s character David. They rob him not only of his pot, but his all of his money as well.  Que Ed Helms as a gringo drug dealer who then asks David to pick up a smidge-in-half of premium weed from Mexico. If David accepts the job (which he has no choice in the matter) it will make him an international drug smuggler. There’s a difference. You can even ask Wikipedia. David surely did.

David freaking out about this life or death matter, realizes that a bull shit, all-grade American family will be the perfect disguise to get him in and out of Mexico without any problems. Because lame-ass families never get questioned by the police.

If my synopsis didn’t entertain you enough with words, here’s some moving pretty pictures to help you out:

Oh, well whoops, there’s a tad bit of a spoiler in that trailer. Gringo Helms isn’t really meant to have the weed. So, David and the rest of the Millers have unintentionally stolen from a high pin Mexican drug dealer. So that would be where the rest of the chaos is delivered throughout the rest of the movie.

Honestly, the movie had so much more potential than what Director Rawson Marshall Thurber actually delivered, which is just so disappointing. Many of the movies funniest moments happen in any of it’s numerous trailers or commercials. Oh but the bloopers, those were brilliant, might just be the best part of the film. Aside from that prosthetic dong.

Although, many of the jokes are unpredictable and leave a nice, unforgiving sting,  the movie itself is predictable. But isn’t that what we expect out of our Summer Comedy movies? Our lovable asshat fucks up royally with the people he was finally becoming close to, but crawls back in the nick of time to save the day and their relationships? If it’s what we as an audience has come to expect, it only makes sense to accept the tired trope.

We’re the Millers has a rotten score of 42%, an audience score of 81%, but is near the bottom of the box office. Don’t get me wrong though, I will probably give the Millers another shot when I can download the film and create a drinking game in their name. I bet it will be loads better then. Or perhaps really, just much worse. I tend to be incredibly skeptical when I’m drunk watching a movie, but that’s just when I’m alone. We’re the Millers is definitely a buddy comedy.   I can tell you one good thing about the movie. It makes me want to watch the fuck out of Horrible Bosses again. I was kinda hoping this film would be like the sort of sequel to that unforgiving comedy gold mine, but alas, it was not.

Haha! We’re not nearly as crude as dem der Bosses!

PJ Sea of Monsters poster

Sigh.

Guys, I was really excited for this new installment of the Percy Jackson franchise, because I read like the entire first series within 3 months. Mind you it’s a young adult series and I was in my first year of college when I got wind of the books. But I just couldn’t but any of the 5 down! Percy Jackson and the Olympians was exactly what I wanted in a book series and had been needing ever since that bitch Rowling decided to end my favorite franchise. Excuse me, J.K. is not a bitch, I’m just upset that I’ll never have more Harry Potter in my life. Which, by extension, is undoubtedly her fault.

Anyways, it’s been about three years since the first PJ&O came out and honestly, I was under the impression they wouldn’t continue with his story line, which would just be plain shit. There is a ton of Half-bloods out there who want to see more PJ! Oh, wait, do you not know about Half-bloods? You haven’t read the amazing novels yet have you? Naughty you are! Wait, you haven’t seen the first movie yet either? What are you doing with your life?! Trying to see a sequel without watching the first movie, this isn’t a horror movie franchise you know!

Alright, well before I go any further, here are the deets you need to know. Percy and his

Hey guys, check it the daughter of Triton (Poseidon) and the son of Zeus! Awkward red-headed cousins for life man.

friends are not normal mortals. Quite the contrary, a majority of them are Half-bloods, or possibly better known originally as demi-gods. Do you ever remember learning about Greek Mythology in High School? You were probably forced to choke down the biggest book of your young life, The Odyssey. Which for me, is actually my favorite story. It’s what got me obsessed with Greek Mythology. Well, even if you don’t know anything about the Odyssey, I’m sure you’ve heard of Hercules. A great big muscular red head, who wasn’t very articulate, but still made all the ancient panties drop? I actually have  no idea if he was a real red head, but that’s how Disney portrayed him, and don’t get all pissy at me for the sexual joke made right before the Disney comment. I’ve got no time to get into a conversation about the over-sexualization of cartoon characters.

Anyways. Herc was a demi-god. Half mortal and half god. (Hera wasn’t Herc’s real mother, that’s just Disney creating [for once] a perfect marriage out of the exact opposite) Hercules is the son of Zeus, the god of lightning and thunder, or the sky in general you know. So therefor his blood is half god, half mortal, you see where this entirely too long set up is going?

Artwork from the first book of Mt Olympus, floor 600

In today’s very real world, the Greek gods still exist, and so do their half-blooded offspring. This means other Greek creatures and monsters are real as well. Pretty cool concept right? Well it gets better. The Greek gods home is Mt. Olympus, correct? Well, Mt. Olympus moves across the globe to whatever country it the most powerful. It has been moving West ever since Rome kicked Greece’s ass and became the the next powerful player. Currently, who would you say is the most powerful country? The US, so Mt Olympus is actually the Empire State Building in New York. Hades is underneath Las Vegas, and Tartarus is possibly under Cleveland. But I’m not all that sure on the last part, that was just said in this shitty movie that left me unsatisfied. But those first two parts make sense, right?

Well the second book/movie takes our three returning heroes, Percy (Son of Poseidon), Annabeth (daughter of Athena), and the Satyr Grover to the Sea of Monsters. Guess what, that moved too, it is now…… The Bermuda Triangle.

So Camp Half-Blood (where all the half-bloods live and train) is in trouble, the tree that has been protecting the only safe place for half-bloods has been poisoned. This leaves the camp and all of it’s residents in huge danger, because monsters can smell demi-gods faster than a PMSing girl can smell freshly cooked brownies. Anyways, Annabeth, being one of the smartest campers, realizes that the Golden Fleece can restore the tree’s healthiness thus saving the camp. Eventually that’s what the story comes down too. Annabeth, Percy, Grover, and Tyson (Percy’s new-found half brother who also happens to be a cyclops) disobey their Camp Leader, Diynosious, and bogart on the camp’s champion (the incredibly bitchy daughter of the war god Ares) Clarisse’s quest. The quest is to find the Golden Fleece, which is known to be on Circe’s Island which is inhabited by Polympheus the Cyclops. (Yeah, if you did your homework, you’d know that this is the same cyclops that gave our hero Odysseus problems after the Trojan War.)

Yeah so that’s about it when it comes to the synopsis.

Tyson, Percy, Annabeth, and Clarisse in the Sea of Monsters

Now how is the actual movie? Really boring. I know I shouldn’t have reread the book right before viewing the film, but I’m usually pretty good about separating the two forms of entertainment. But this movie was just lack-luster. I mean, the book is by far not the best in the series. Probably my least favorite. But that doesn’t mean the movie had to be this awful. I mean, yeah, bits of it were entertaining, and the acting was decent, but over all, the movie did not recreate the same magic and wonder that was delivered in The Lightening Thief. 

There were plenty of beautiful moments that were created thanks to CGI, the hippocampus, just took my breath away. The movie had plenty of funny, interesting jokes that made you chuckle, but it just didn’t deliver in the action an adventure that it could have. And the climax was just all wrong. It honestly makes me worried about the future movies, if they make any more after this dud. I don’t want to spoil anything too much, but those screen adapters, totally botched that climax up for future films. It’s like they didn’t even bother to read the entire series to make sure they wouldn’t fuck things up.

The beautiful hippocampus Rainbow.

One of my biggest problems with this story line (in both the book and the movie) is the fact that it’s called the Sea of Monsters, and yet they only really battle one monster inside that part of the sea. Which is the cyclopes, which happens to be a land monster. Like you could totally battle a cyclopes on the streets of Manhattan, so he’s not very sea-like.

But I will say by the end of the film I had a major crush for Tyson. Is it weird that I have the hots for a cyclopes? I mean, beauty is only skin deep right? I am happy that they went and fixed their most fatal mistake in the first movie. Annabeth’s hair. It was pretty important for her hair to be blonde and they hired an actress with brown straight hair. They dyed her hair for this movie, which made me laugh and happy. But then they blew their continuity when it came to the mist. On a side note, Leerman needs to grow his hair back out.

Annabeth, Tyson, Hermes, Percy

All of the side characters delivered exceptionally well. I adored Diynosious, Hermes, and Clarisse much more than I ever thought I would. So there’s a plus. They were much more likable in the film then in the book. Even the Fate Sisters, oh they were a blast to have in the beginning.

In the end, The Sea of Monsters is a lack-luster sequel that may have ruined the chance for the series to be fully produced into films. It might keep a child’s attention, but as an adult who loved Greek Mythos and the original books, it is quite dissatisfying.

CdF: VA poster

A very cute, entertaining, young adult film was on Syfy yesterday. This movie was based off of a young adults book series that I read when I was younger, named Cirque du Freak, A Living Nightmare: The Sega of Darren Shan. I was fond of the creepy, scary novels when I was younger and was pretty excited when the movie adaptation came out in 2009. I never got to see the entire film until yesterday though.

It’s upsetting that it’s taken me five years to see the quirky film, because looking at it now, it’s much better than what I originally thought it was. The movie is based around a 16 year old boy and his best friend. Fate has given them a flyer for the Cirque du Freak, a 21st century Freak Show that has been running for hundreds of years.

Darren (Chris Massoglia) and Steve (Josh Hutcherson) decide to sneak out to see the show filled with mutant like people with amazing talents. There’s Mr. Tall the Ring Leader, Evra the Snake Boy who has reptilian skin and a knack for playing an electric guitar, Rebecca the Monkey Girl (Darren’s eventual love interest), Madame Turska (played by the beautiful Salma Hayek), Rhamus Twobellies a man with quite literally two bellies, Gertha Teeth (by the hilarious Kristen Schaal), Corma Limbs (Jane Krakowski), a Wolfman, and of course Vampire Crepsley (John C. Reilly) with his exotic, trainable tarantula.

Evra, Darren, and Rebecca

As you can tell the movie is chock full of amazing freaks and the opening act with them all is breathtaking. The Director Paul Weitz does a great job of making you feel like you’re in the theater with Darren and Steve watching the Freak Show with them.

So eventually Steve, the friend who happens to be a terrible influence, corners Crepsley and asks him if he would turn him into a vampire. Now elder vampires don’t usual turn children, but for some reason, Crepsley samples Steve’s blood anyways, and realizes that he cannot become a vampire. He has bad blood, and if he were turned to a vampire he would be one evil son of a bitch. Oh wait, sorry, I didn’t tell you that Crepsley is kind of a a good vampire. There are vampires who are “little piggies” and drain their mortal dinners of all their blood (these are the bad vampires), and then their are good vampires who take only pints from mortals, and feed on more than one person in a night, so nobody dies.

The Exotic, Toxic Spider

Okay, so he refuses to turn Steve, but after this conversation happens, Darren goes off and “borrows” Crepsley’s spider, because duh, Darren loves spiders and has a death wish. But the tarantula can be trained to spin amazing webs while playing a flute. So Darren just wants to play with the exotic, completely toxic insect for just a little while.

Well the predictable happens, and Steve, being the ass hole he is, ends up letting the spider loose while at school the next day, and boom, gets bitten. Darren goes to Crepsley to get the antidote while Steve is on his death bed in a hospital. Crepsley agrees to save Steve’s life if Darren will become his assistant. (Cough, hence the name sake of the movie cough.) And Darren being the best friend he is, complies.

“You’re saying I have to fill my own grave?!” “Well I dug you out of it.”

The rest of the movie is about the struggles he faces leaving his family, faking his death, learning to live with the freaks, flitting (running really fast in short bursts of time, because vampires don’t fly you dumb shit) and eventually a climatic fighting scene with Darren’s family and new girlfriend in great danger.

For this movie being an adaption of 2 books in a 12 book series, it’s pretty good, and it’ll keep you entertained as well. The opening credits were much more interesting than I would have thought, and the acting isn’t the best I’ve seen, but it’s tolerable on your palate. I originally thought the comedic John C. Reilly as a vampire would be terrible, but he isn’t, he’s one of the best actors in the movie. But I will say he is not what I imagined when I read the book when I was 12.

If the movie comes up on SyFy again, I suggest you watch it. The Vampire’s Assistant is not only entertaining, but a funny and strange, yet alluring movie for anyone. Although, I’m still boggled upon why it was playing on that station to begin with. It screened DayBreakers right before that, both of which I think are classified under “scary/horror” and not scifi. But those two movies did have something in common, Willem Dafoe is in both of them, lol. On a side note, can anyone tell me what the fuck “SyFy” stands for now? I know they went about rebranding and bullshit, but SciFi used to stand for Science Fiction, what the hell is Sy?

Anyways, The Vampire’s Assistant is a family friendly  movie that people of all ages could enjoy, and will Halloween right around the corner, I’d keep it in mind.