Poster

The Conjuring is the brilliant scary movie of the 2013 summer run. It’s awfully depressing that it’s taken me almost it’s entire run in theaters to see this certified fresh possession movie. Even though the trailer claims it’s “not a possession,” spoilers, in the end there’s always a possession.

The Conjuring is based on the “true” life events of Ed and Lorraine Warren (played by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) during the 70s. Why the 70′s? Because that’s when people could get away with haunted house bull shit and not be called bat shit insane on the internet or the news. The 70′s was a much different era, and it seems to be the favorite era of spooky specters who love tormenting the hell out of families who have just moved into new houses. Que to Ed and Lorraine Warren, a paranormal-investigating couple who help people across the East Coast (conveniently near Salem, Mass.)  with hauntings, possessions, cursed items, and any other thing that goes bump in the night.

How does one go about retaining such an obtuse job? Oh just by being a clairvoyant  and noted demonologist. Do you not know what a clairvoyant is? Well then, it’s just a person who can see into the earth’s otherworldly realm. Lorraine can see ghosts of the past, and even peer into a person’s memory when presented with a photo by said person. And she was brought to her husband, Ed, for a reason, as they claim throughout the whole movie. And that reason was to help the sorry folks of the 70s out with their petrologist-y occurrences.

Say Hello to the Perrons! I’m pretty sure dad want a boy at some point, but one of his girls will turn into a little slugger. I mean look at the statistics! 

So what recently-moved family in Rhode Island needs help now? The Perrons in Harrisville on their secluded farm house which fits their family of seven. A wife and husband, and five girls all between the ages of probably 5 and 17. And it doesn’t take long for the paranormal to start welcoming their new family into the cursed house. The dog catches on early and refuses to set foot in the new, yet entirely too old house. So Sadie stays outside for the night and barks her little heart out toward the master bedroom (this film is chock full of slap your face foreshadowing). The next day she is predictably and unfortunately found dead by the youngest girl. Why does there have to be a pet dog in these types of movies and why do I have to go through severe anxiety over the possible loss of a dog? These horror directors really know how to irk me.

Aside from the “unexpected” death of their dog; every clock in the house stopped at 3:07 am that night, the entire upstairs became unbearably cold, and a few of the girls had the smell of a “rotten dead body” in their room that miraculously dissolved by day break. At this point this would be enough for me to get the hell out of the house, but of course the Perrons have all their money tied up in this godforsaken house and have never seen a horror house movie in their life. Oh, and of course there is a cellar that they had no idea existed because it was boarded up. Hm, I wonder why it was? They decided to stay even though Carolyn, the mother (Lili Taylor) has recently developed an “iron deficiency” and keeps having mysterious bruises appear all over her body. Ring-a-ding-ding, this is your final notice to get the fuck out of that house before the damned spirit attaches itself to you. You, the reader, has seen The Poltergiest right?

Left, the Warrens, Right, the Perrons

Which is what we find out that happens after the Warrens finally show up to investigate the house. (My biggest problem with this film is that they don’t show you any form time, we the viewer have no idea how much time has passed.) And the house seems to be much worse than they realized, by far the most disturbing case the Warrens have ever had! Or so the movie claims. The Warrens are also the same people who dealt with the Amityville Horror, which was supposedly the scariest house haunting to ever inhabit America, which may or may not be true. But Director James Wan does a terrific job of scaring the pants of me and the rest of the audience during this story.

Spoilers, that awesome scene is about to happen.

Wan’s filming techniques are spectacularly well done. There is this reverse/upside down camera shot he does that starts off in the cellar, moves through the 1st floor, and up to the second floor. This particular 2 minutes of film depicts the mass amount of chaos that is happening during the climax of the film, and I have never seen it done so well.  The musical score and notes are done just as spectacularly as well. This movie certainly needs to be seen in theater because, if you’re lucky enough, the entire theater will shake because of the intensity of the low decibels during some of the scariest scenes.  And it just adds to the terror.

The movie has some very interesting twists and turns, but don’t be disappointed when there are periods of “you’re a dumb ass” and “that was really predictable” happening, because there are many brilliant scenes where you will be holding your breath or hiding in your shirt during later.

The acting was done perfectly. I couldn’t imagine any other woman playing Lorraine Warren except the amazing Vera. She also does a bang up job in A&E’s Bates Motel which ended it’s first season this past May. Patrick Wilson as her caring husband is incredibly believable as well. He brings a strong, yet sensitive man to life on screen for the two hour film. Both Patrick and Vera plan on coming back for the next installment of the Warrens tale, which may be a new take on the Amityville Horror as they nodded to at the end of the film over a phone call.

This photo has no relevance to what I’m currently describing, but I needed to add another photo in this area.

The rest of the characters are done just as good even though they are only side characters. There is something that resonates with me and audiences across the world when there’s a little girl being scared shitless because of an unidentified being roaming their house, pulling their hair, yanking at their feet, and leading them on walks while they are asleep. Taylor as the frightened mother only looking out for her children nearly reprises her role as Nell from the 1999 The Haunting. But she’s perfected it this time around. Ron Livingston also plays the caring 70s father with dignity, strength, and fear.

It was funny, but then it got scary real fucking quick

Even I, the horror Guru that I am, had to keep telling myself, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie. But I’m sure you’re sitting there saying, “No, no! It’s based a a true story.” Do you have any idea how many times Hollywood has bastardized that phrase? Now, I’ve done some research myself, and have found these articles helpful, yet, you must realize that even though they had Andrea Parron (I believe the eldest daughter) and Lorraine Warren on as consultants, the Warrens were discredited after the Amityville hoax.

Regardless if the story is true or just another Hollywood bastard, the movie delivers in screams, thrills, and chills. I highly suggest you see this movie before it leaves theaters, which may be very, very soon. You might regret your decision while you’re watching the film, but that’s just because of how damn scary it is.

And if this review hasn’t persuaded you enough below is the trailer, which do contain some of the scariest moments of the film, but will certainly still deliver once you pay that admission ticket.

The World’s End Poster

The World’s End is a smart, clever, spectacular British comedy that we thick Americans should all be able to enjoy. It may have been about 5 years since the creative team behind Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead has graced the screens around the world, but it was well worth the wait.

The World’s End is a comedy that tackles numerous fearful topics of today’s age, but is still able to deliver laughs and sincere thought. The movie isn’t just about five friends coming together 20 years later for the unfinished Golden Mile in their sleepy home town. It’s quite the opposite. It’s about five friends who drifted apart from one another after graduation. Four of which have created stable, normal lives for themselves. While Gary King (Simon Pegg), the leaded of the group, is found to be in some sort of group therapy, dressing the same, and has not grown up in the least. He was stunted after the friend’s first attempt at the Golden Mile. He claimed even at the age of 18, that he knew that would be the best night of his life. And he really, very didn’t want to be wrong.

Look at them cute young tikes!

Past that basic theme, the movie also derives great symbolism towards alcoholism,  enablers, the human race, the human race’s great dependency on technology, dependency in general, the strive of being prefect, “Starbucking,” and of course, a bit of materialism.

Frost, Director Wright, and Pegg

The movie over all is a fun ride to end your summer on. I give it two thumbs way up! But I am a bit biased, I am a fan of this creative team and enjoy seeing their collaborations. And I’ve got a bit of a hard on for Simon Pegg. Anything that he’s in, I dub brilliant. Even that cooky episode of Doctor Who with the Ninth Doctor.

It’s always nice to see cast members from the previous movies reprise a similar, or not-so-similar, role in new films. Some familiar faces in this installment include Bill Nighy, Martin Freeman, Joe Cornish, David Bradley, and of course Nick Frost. Freeman and Frost are part of the Five Musketeers, Frost being Andy Knightly, previous best friend of Gay King, I mean Gary, I boy named Steven stole my laptop away.

The movie has plenty of jokes and is well written. Although, I do have a better appreciation of the British comedy and settings now that I’ve actually been to the U.K. Watching a shit ton of British tele doesn’t hurt either. Just so you know, when a man or a boy asks or calls a woman “fit” it’s the equivalent of our terms “hot” or “sexy.” They aren’t really asking if she’s still in shape.

A running gag in the film is “Starbucking” as a referred to earlier. In this instance, the boys are talking about how all of the once quaint different bars that in the past had personality, have all turned into the same looking pub, with the same beers, and the same deja-vu feel. They cleverly call this phenomenon “Starbucking.” Then there’s another brilliant shot of the boys walking in unison that just takes my breath away. It’s smartly done especially with the placement of the scene and the information they just found out about the town.

I love this Unison bull shit

On top of the writing, The World’s End‘s cast is fantastic as well. I have to say, I was all over that Martin Freeman, but as a Sherlockian, I just can’t help myself. Nick Frost has a much more heart-touching character in this film then in Shaun of the Dead, but soon enough he becomes the drunk teddy bear we’ve all learned to love. A shout out to the supporting actors Paddy Considine and Eddie Marsan as the two other childhood friends, and Rosamund Pike as the quasi-love interest.

Fence gag for the 3rd installment.

It’s nice to see that Director Edgar Wright is keeping up the the fence gag. It’s a bit of his trademark now I would think. You can see one of the humorous fence scenes the the trailer below. (Or this wonderful gif I found for you.) But before I present you with that, just leave this website knowing that the cast pulls together to bring life to the sarcastic, yet witty writing styles of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg. If there is one last movie to see before the end of the summer, it’s The World’s End. 

And for my savants in PR and advertising, the below picture takes you to  some outstanding clever propaganda.

Click me!

Hot Fuzz poster mimicking Bad Boys II

After watching the spectacular The World’s End, I might have decided to go on a Wright/Pegg kick, but you see it isn’t my fault. Wright/Pegg collaborations (the trilogy that we have now) end up doing notoriously well.  The three films have an average of 90.5% on Rotten Tomatoes, and Hot Fuzz rings in with a 91%.

And it has good reason too. It’s jam packed with action scenes, under the table jokes, quirky quips, wonderful camera work, and a perfect soundtrack. Although, if you’re American, like I am, may I suggest that you watch it with the subtitles on? I watched this movie the first time when I was 17 in 2007 (world wide), and had to turn on the subtitles. The accents are way thicker in this movie than they were in the 2004 Shaun of the Dead. But watching the movie for a second time now, years later, I have caught onto so many more brilliant jokes. Some of which you may not catch onto without the aid of the subtitles. There’s some really clever word play, song play, and continuity jokes in this film that make it worth your two hours.

Anyways, Hot Fuzz is a satirical parody on the “buddy cop” film genre which does it’s job so well, it seems so generous with its heart that it turns itself into a sincere buddy cop movie. But isn’t that when you did a significantly wonderful job writing and directing your film? When people don’t even realize that it’s a satirical take on the genre? Id’ say so.

The following list is Edgar’s work and the genre he parodies and most memorable moments:

1.) Shaun of the Dead 2004- Zombie Horror genre, the Queen Breakdown, because having Queen playing in the background while you beat the shit out of Zombies is gold.

2.) Hot Fuzz 2007- Buddy Cop genre, the lengthy grocery store shoot out, because there are some lively lines and awesome gun play.

3.) The World’s End 2013- Disaster/end of world genre, I don’t have a current scene. But I will try to update it once I watch it again on DVD, so instead I leave you with tap water.

The acting is phenomenal. It’s surreal to see Simon Pegg play a straight-laced, by the book copper. You really get to see Pegg’s range of acting between the three films by Wright. Frost plays the usual drunk monkey, and this film is where the joke actually comes from. The Andes, the two jack arse defectives played by Paddy Considine (who also played Steven Prince in The World’s End) and Rafe Spall, are a delightful duo who steal away any scene they’re in. Olivia Colman as Doris Thatcher (the only police woman they have on the force) is a bruteful, shocking delight as well.

A cuddly monkey, Pegg, and a stuffed animal

Overall, the movie is worth a rewatch, and a (possible) first watch if you haven’t seen it yet. It’s clever, fun, action packed, and a wonderful sarcastic ride.

#ThisIsTheEnd is hitting theaters for a second run during the end of the summer. Check out my review on this ballsout, unapologetic film of the summer. I can honestly say, after every film I’ve seen this season, it is still by far, top dog. http://ow.ly/otX3C

Movie Poster

A long long time ago, I was a young little thing around the age of 10 or 12 and found myself fascinated with the supernatural, including the lore around Friday the 13th. This lead to a young girl eventually marathoning  rater R Horror flicks right around October of 2011, about two years before she got to see her first Jason film in theaters, Freddy vs. Jason. 

So here’s the plan, like I do near every Friday the 13th, I will be marathoning the Franchise. 12 movies in 12 days with 12 reviews. This includes posts on the 8 originals, 3 spin-offs, 1 remake, and at the end a drinking game.

Anywho, although Friday the 13th is probably my favorite horror franchise, (it also being the one I’ve watched the most) the original film is atrocious. I mean I love it, I do, but the acting is bad, the death scenes are meh, and the twist ending doesn’t age well. But it doesn’t stop me from watching it. At least once a year since 2001, which means I’ve watched it, wow, probably about 20 times. That seems like I’m rounding down a bit too. So, instead of giving you a synopsis, I’m just going to assume that you enjoy the terrible film and give you a quick rundown of some of the quirky or redundant things I caught on while watching the cult classic Friday the 13th the umpteenth time.

But first a timeline of events thanks to Enos the Truck Driver who casually sets up our time frame before Annie the silly hitchhiker gets sliced.

1957- Jason Voorhees “drowns” in Crystal Lake while the counselors are off boning.

1958- 2 camp counselors are murdered while fooling around

1962- “bad water” whatever that means. By the by, why hasn’t anyone gone and revisited that plot line? Like the water is poisoned because of the dead child’en’s at the bottom of the lake. But I suppose that at some point it’s inferred that Pamela Voorhees poisoned it, right?

1963-1979? Fires?

Annie getting Sliced

And then our story begins in 1980. Annie our daft little cook is killed by a stranger who picked up her and her thumb on the side of the road. But before our Annie is killed Enos tells her the horrors of Camp Blood. Annie then unwittingly claims “I’m not afraid of ghosts!” Which, obviously she should be, because the ghost of Jason is what drives his mother Pamela to kill the new workers at Camp Crystal. A bit more of foreshadowing is delivered by Crazy Ralph who should have been listened to when he drunkenly stumbled onto camp to deliver his warning of death and decay.

One of the cleverest lines I had never noticed was delivered soon after Crazy Ralph’s departure. The counselors are all eating a bit of dinner and somebody says: “How can you eat that, it looks like a dead animal!” “Dead animals?! You must be talking about the old counselors!” This is a very short and nearly mumbled line and even after seeing the film numerous times, it took me this long to actually catch it.

A few other random thoughts:

Is that the Virgin taking a boot away after hitting up some dope?

Virgin character (Alice) was two buttons away from removing her shirt, when the wind conveniently blows open a door and ends the game of strip monopoly.

The cop that takes Steve Christy almost back to the camp after the storm gets called to a car crash, with possible fatalities and 3 passengers.

But there’s a total kill count of 11 (including the snake) so I guess that means everyone lived in car crash? Damn these unresolved questions.

The last thing I would like to leave you with, is that the first and the last person to die on Friday the 13th at Camp Crystal was the camp’s hired cook.

Ehhhh, because Pamela was the cook at the camp in the 50s, and Annie was going to the cook in the 80s.

Boom, I just blew your mind. You’re welcome.

Now You See me comes out today! Check out my review to see if your interested in renting or purchasing. I know I will be buying me a copy of this magical movie. Got to figure out that ending again.

Part 2 Poster

Yo dawgs, you heard I liked the Friday the 13th movies so I wrote some more Friday.

LOL, JUST KIDDING.

I just finished Part 2 of the Friday Franchise and there is a copious amount of interesting things that was presented while watching this film for the (insert # here) time. Between the original and Part 2, Part 2 has always been better to me even though Part 1 scores better on rotten tomatoes. I’m not sure why it has a worse score. Part 2 has a better cast, slightly more creative kills, the same piercing soundtrack, utilizes “Killer POV” more often, a more insightful plot, clever lines, and is much more crucial to the rest of the franchise.

Although Part 2 is released in 1981 (one year after the original, and two years after the original takes place) it is actually set three years in the future. It is supposed to be 1984, (the same that Elm St. is released) five years after Pamela Voorhees is beheaded in front of the not so dead Jason.

So Part 2 comes out during that time back in the 80s when horror films still occasionally believed in continuity from one film to the next and tells us what happened to our lone virgin female. Don’t worry though, this fad dies out soon after. I mean they killed Alice off before the title even shot onto the screen.

Eventually, we are introduced to the much more colorful cast (even though the one black guy leaves 4 minutes after his only appearance) and are told about the tragedy of Camp Blood that had happened at a nearby camp site that shares the water front of Crystal Lake. (And just so you know, I meant colorful, as in interesting and more attractive, I wasn’t really playing the race card. Not yet, that comes later in the franchise.)

I don’t think Walt had that in mind for Mickey.

Now this movie has some pretty good “cut-to” scenes that deliver decent enough laughs. For instance, when Muffin, the dog owned by the obligatory titty-hard-on, braless tramp, comes toes to paws with a strange character in the woods, the scene cuts-to hot dogs being roasted on a fire. Lolol, get it? I’m sorry, I’m in such a sarcastic mood tonight. I’ll try to cut the crap.

Another clever moment in the movie is after Jeff and Sandra (the obligatory couple who can’t keep their hands off of each other) are caught snooping around what they think is the campsite of all the murders. They do this after being told not to of course, but you know they wanted “bragging rights” when they returned home. Muhahaha, as if they would!

Anyways, when they are brought back to the camp their supposed to be at (you know I think it may be nameless) the cop wants to know if they’re going to be punished! Paul (the owner of the camp to train counselors) scoffs and tells Ginny (his assistant and our future lone protagonist) “No seconds on desserts for Sandara and Jeff.” Which is funny, because they’re just going to have sex later after dinner/firsties on dessert, so they would have seconds regardless, in your face Paul. 

Ginny, our eventual survivor who gets carted off into an ambulance (to never be seen again, like I sad, the fad fades) is majoring in Child Psychology! A minor character detail I never paid attention to when I was 11 and watching the movies. Now it’s funny for one reason and interesting for another. Funny- how terrible of a major that is, and how one could never really get a job in that with only a bachelors degree. Interesting- It factors into her eventual character development and us leaning about Jason. You know that really stupid bar scene, where she ends up dissecting how Jason would be if he grew up to a man who watched his mother die? At a young age you’re just like “stop beating it over my head! I know that Jason’s the killer and he’s pissed about his mom’s death!” But she’s telling us because she majored in child psych. Ahp, I lied, it’s funny for two reasons. She then uses that knowledge to try to stop Jason from killing her. Hahaha, who ever thought that was good writing? Damn.

A list of other interesting things/dumb ass moves:

The scene to gruesome for an “R” rating, it was cut. But i found it for you!

• Reprisal of arrow/harpoon death. The Baconator is killed directly after sex with a arrow/harpoon item. Sandra and Jeff are killed during sex by a double impalement by similar object. That’s clever. Because of penetration? You get it? Eh???? Sorry, I said id’ stop being sarcastic, but now I’ve just replaced it with blatant cheesiness.
• Vicki (possibly) looking for wheelchair-bound Mark UPSTAIRS. Bitch don’t be so dumb.
• “I don’t plan on being in this chair for the rest of my life”- Mark. LOL
• Reprisal of female protagonist shouting her male counterpart’s name (Genny: “Paul, Paul!” Alice: “Bill! Bill!”
• By the way, the Fuck happens to Paul?
• Death count: 9: Alice, Crazy Ralph, the police officer, Scott, Terry, Mark, Jeff, Sandra, Vicki

Later.

3D poster LOL

I always found Friday the 13th Part 3 to be a fun installment of the series, but obviously not the best. Like many of the “Part 3s” of the horror genre in the 80s it was filmed in 3D. Not that 3D glasses would help in watching my Friday’s through a box set, but it does serve for some really cheesy moments in the film you know were supposed to be in 3D. None of which are scary, just a bloated cheesefest of an already tired trope. Even the music that plays during the tired 3D opening credits has gotten cheesier. It becomes this crazy, almost techno type of music being played over parts of Friday’s original score.

The film (after opening credits) begin on Saturday night the 14th. This is portrayed from the newscast that is being watched by one of our first victims the night after the events of Part 2 happen. The news anchor claims there have been 8 deaths, but really it’s nine, and I never found out why they had that miscounted.

So this is the film where we learn how creative Jason is as a mass murderer. He utilizes the pitchfork a lot more in this film, but he also kills the first ethnicity role (Hispanic) with a harpoon gun after he dons his infamous Hockey Mask for the first time after killing the Joker of the film, Shelly.

This is also the fist movie that introduces more “main” characters in the series. That way we can have a bigger death count in the end. After we meet the main 8 young adults waiting to have a fun weekend with drugs, booze and alcohol, we meet a motorcycle gang of 3. If you can even consider that a gang. Which I don’t think you can. So we get even more of a colorful cast which leads to the eventual more deaths. Which is what we watch the films for, right?

He dripped blood onto his lover. I suppose she gets to know how it feels now right?

Interesting Stats of Part 3:

• First introduction of “colored” characters. 1 Hispanic woman and 1 Black woman (both die by penetration that wasn’t wanted)
• The 2 main lovers (the girl is pregnant by the way, so does that cont as two lives? Jason was not Pro-Life in any sense. Hahaha, oh snap, this was another double kill, like it was when they reprise the harpoon kill in Part 2. Clever.) are killed after their sex scene. Like in all the movies BUT, the fellow is mangled to shit and then put in the head boards above the hammock/bed. He drips down onto his satisfied lover after she lays down after a shower. She is then penetrated through the neck from below, much like the Baconator in part 1.
• Reprisal of female protagonist shouting her male counterpart’s name (Chris: “Rick! Rick!” Genny: “Paul, Paul!” Alice: “Bill! Bill!”)
• (For my fellow Doctor Who fans) Books! The best weapons in the world!

  Mrs Voorhees dream sequence/reprisal

• Ends with Chris (our female protagonist) in a canoe again. You can tell that is was once red, and is now painted green for some silly reason.
• The end survivor (Chris) had actually had an encounter with Jason about a year before the events.
• Final Death Count: 10 (11 in total if you count Jason’s small death)
• Jason get’s his Axe Mark in this film from Chris

The Final Chapter Poster

The Final Chapter opens with a montage that tells the audience about the killings of the previous 3 movies, regardless that certain deaths were not all committed by Jason.  This is probably why that bitch Casey got the question wrong and ended up killing Steve (I’m talking about 1996 Scream). Anyways, The Final Chapter has a lot to offer in this installment, aside from the fact that it is by far not the final chapter in the Jason franchise. But the mash up of the previous deaths is much better than replaying the last 10-15 minutes of the previous film.

We then open at the barn on the farm where we are told 10 were killed before the murderer, Jason, was killed by the final kid in the woods. Jason is taking to a nearby hospital, and a very horny mortician named Axle tries to seduce a sexy nurse. This fails on a gigantic scale because who the hell makes out with a serial killer’s dead corpse behind them? Well, actually, they do for a little while, until Jason’s hand slips and touches the Nurse on the back while they were making out on a gurney (this was apparently unscripted). Talk about going from horny to scared in .5 seconds. Which is an obvious underling theme throughout the entire series.

So the hospital scene happens on Sunday night of the 15th. When we meet the rag tag team of new teens on their way for some fun in the sun it is Monday the 16th.The second film in the franchise that does not happen on a Friday the 13th but the first to take place during the actual year of release, 1984.  The climax of the film is then on Tuesday the 17th. So part 4 rounds out 3 movies that released in the time span of four years, the crosses 5 days. *whew.*

Meet Tommy Jarvis.

There’s more clever word play to be had in this installment. A family is a part of the cast this time around. They are neighbors to the kids who are renting out the cabin/house next to them. This the Jarvis family. The youngest is Tommy Jarvis, who is about 11 or 12 in this film, and he becomes a key player in the next two films. Trish is Tommy’s older sister and they live with their mother. When Tommy comes into the house like any other day and happens to eave the door open, Tommy says something along the lines of “we live in the woods!” And Mrs. Jarvis says “There could be a maniac on the loose!” If she only knew how right she was.

And as promised, the following is a list of fun factoids about Part 4, The Final Chapter:

• This movie has the most nudity in it, all thanks to that skinny dipping scene that was induced by those slutty twins, Tina and Terri
• Tommy Jarvis may never be able to have a normal erection ever again. The poor guy probably got his first one when he got a glimpse of those horny teenagers nuding up and having sex in a room with their curtains open.
• “Jimbo” the “deadfuck” dies after preforming well in bed, while looking for a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine. Double irony, because Jason stabs him with the corkscrew as he’s asking his doped up friend where it is.
• The brother-sister dynamic which was used in the 2009 remake, was used TWICE in this film.

1. Rob Dryer- Older brother of Sandra from Part 2 is at the camp investigating, which is weird considering she died all of 2 days ago. The fuck you doing Rob? Shouldn’t you be at her fucking funeral, or help planning it or something you douche? Rob is part of the near final show down. He dies screaming “he’s killing me!” over and over again, which might have created one of the funniest moments in the franchise.

2. Tommy hugging it out (his hair makes sense in the film, gotta watch it)

   Tommy and Trish Jarvis- while Tommy is the main man who kills the shit out of Jason, Trish tries to self-sacrifice herself to save her younger brother from Jason’s murderous hands. But Tommy is a douche and ends up not running away. But he ends up being the real hero of the movie, and eventually the next two. (Spoilers, sorry.)

• This marks the first film of the franchise with two survivors, a male child being the main protagonist, and no “dream sequence” in the end.

Sleepy Hollow

This Fall Fox has something new worth watching. Are you a fan of horror? Are you a fan of mysteries? What about time travel? How about men with accents and long luscious locks? Well, if you enjoy any of those things along with classic timeless tales, Sleepy Hollow on Monday nights at 9 p.m. will be totally up your dirty stone alley.

Sleepy Hollow is chock full headless puns, but hey they’re to be expected right? They also have some very creative ways to show decapitation as well. Including the Headless Horseman loosing his head, there are a total of 5 heads being lost in this pilot episode, but they are all well placed and creative. Some of the transition scenes are pretty innovative and can be appreciated at a whole new level for network television. I applaud the extra effort that went into the filming and setting structure that went into even just this pilot episode. They treat it nearly like a Hollywood blockbuster with some of the brilliant shots.

By no means is Sleepy Hollow an original idea, but they do spin it to have it become a bit more original.  It opens during the revolutionary war in the late 1700′s in a battle scene. After we watch both the soon to be headless horseman and Ichabod Crane sustain deathly blows, Crane falls to his death to only be broken free from his grave in one fowl camera swoop. As he takes his first breath of 21st century air, the Headless Horseman is on his way to his first new kill. So they TIME TRAVELED! Where was the blue box?! I saw no blue police box! But this is one secret the writers do not reveal.  Not yet anyways, they may never, because, they kind of address it, yet kind of don’t so yeah.

So we have Crane, the Horseman, and a black lady Lt. that goes by the name of Abbie MIlls played by Nicole Beharie (42) that comprise the main character list. Everyone else hasn’t even been listed on the IMDb page so I can’t really name off anyone else as key players. Beharie does a much better job at acting then I originally credited her for, it took me a while to be won over, but eventually she proved herself.

Sleepy Hollow with some clever picture play

I am truly impressed with the acting in the show as well. I am astounded with Tom Mison‘s work as Ichabod Crane, he really brings a much more sexy character to life. And for once, I am perfectly fine with new Hollywood sexualizing  the once petrified, scrawny Crane. But one of the reasons he comes off as a sexy turn of the century (not this century though) colonist is because of his braveness. Instead of cowering and running across running water this man helps fight the headless horseman. He’s actually the man who (spoilers) made him headless! (End spoilers.)

Speaking of spoilers, it is very difficult to write this review without lacing tons of spoilers spewing all over the place. I am honestly surprised with how much important information the writers revealed in this first episode. It makes me curious to see what they have to offer for the rest of the season. But they seem to lay down plenty of different areas to tackle.

I would like to comment more about the amazingness of just this very first episode, but I refrain due to the fear of spoilers. But if you are looking for some scary business on a Monday night at 9 (conveniently after How I Met Your Mother) then I suggest you tune in to fox, and watch the new split, I mean hit, show this fall. You can watch the pilot episode if you click below.

Watch the Pilot Episode instantly!

Season 3 of New Girl opens up with no time lost between Season 2′s final episode. And season 3 seems like it will keep on delivering the quirky, adorable laughs that Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson (Nick), Max Greenfield (Schmidt) and Lamorne Morris (Winston) delivered in the first 2 seasons. 

The season opens up with Jess and Nick arriving back at the door of their loft after they decide to go “all in” with dating one another. It’s surprising that they are continuing with this development considering that every sitcom ever usually relies on the “will they, won’t they” tactic, they played that card pretty early on. Not to mention Jess being taken revokes any further chance of the parade of gorgeous men through the apartment. And come on, Jess had some pretty men strolling through all her hallways. 

So Jess and Nick decide to avoid going into the loft by leaving all of their problems behind by going to Mexico, the “land of no problems!” As Jess and Nick abandon their responsibility in the states, Schmidt is having a mental break down with what could possibly be the biggest decision of his life. If you don’t recall, Cece (Hannah Simone) was about to marry an Indian man in an arranged wedding that she didn’t want because she was still in love with Schmidt. The entire last half of season 2, Schmidt was trying to win back/make Cece jealous. To try to prove to Cece he was over her (when she clearly was not) he brought one of his ex-girlfriends to the wedding.

So season 3: Cece calls the wedding off, and asks Schmidt to choose either her or Elizabeth, Schmidt’s chubby college girlfriend who not only took his virginity, but also loved him for him. When Schmidt can’t make the choice by himself, and his best friend Nick is nowhere to be found, Winston and Schmidt decide to become “best friends” and Winston helps Schmidt come to the conclusion that he wan’ts to be with Elizabeth. (You know as I’m typing this, it is easy to see that the driving plot line in this episode was Schmidt’s character development.) When he goes to break Cece’s heart, he can’t bare to do it, so he tells her she picked him. We can now tell that a deriving plot line in this season will be Schmidt as a two-timing ass hole, who yet has some sort of good heart underneath it all. 

Anyways, the writing is still sharp and I think we can count on grade A/grade B jokes and enjoyable for the rest of the season. Click on the picture below to watch the recent episode to be ready for next weeks episode at 9 pm on Tuesday. 

Oh yeah, Nick gets “arrested”

With Summer coming to a close I bid goodbye to my parade of movies, and say hello to my wonderfall premieres. Many of which I have been waiting for diligently even during my first movie of the previous season, The Great Gatsby back in the beginning of May. So below I have compiled a list of the shows I am looking forward to and their tentative premiere dates. I will try to write reviews on the season openings of the following, but may not get every one of them. If you click on the link, it will take you straight to my review. In order of releases:

• Sleepy Hollow:  9/16/13 Monday at 9 PM (FOX)
• The Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 9/17/13 at 8:30 PM (FOX)
• New Girl: 9/17/13 Tuesday at 9 PM (FOX)
• The Mindy Project: 9/17/13 Tuesdays at 9:30 PM (FOX)
• The Hollow Crown: 9/20/13 Friday 9 PM (PBS)
• How I Met Your Mother: 9/23/13 Monday at 8:00 PM (Hour Long Premiere/HLP) (CBS)
• Mom: 9/23/13 Monday at 9:30 PM (CBS)
• Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D: 9/24/13 Tuesdays at 8 PM (Hour Long Show/HLS) (ABC)
• Once Upon a Time: 9/29/13 Sunday (HLS) (ABC)
• We Are Men: 9/30/13 Monday (CBS)
• American Horror Story: Coven: 10/09/13 Wednesdays at 10 PM (HLS) (FX)
• Once Upon a Time in Wonderland: 10/10/13 Thursdays at 8 PM (HLS) (ABC)
• Dracula: 10/25/13 Fridays at 10 PM (HLS) (NBC)
• Psych: 12/15/13 Sunday 2 hour long special event from 9 PM – 11PM (USA)
• Archer: Between December and January (FX)

For a compiled list of Network Television click here.

We Are Men is a funny, clever, independent situation sitcom airing on CBS’s Monday night line up after How I Met Your Mother. Now, it’s not the best new comedy breakout show of the fall, but it is a decent show to watch in between HIMYM and Sleepy Hollow.  The show begins with the repercussions of lead Carter Thomas (Chris Smith) being left at the alter on his wedding day. His bride played by Fiona Gubelmann (From Wilfred) runs off with an ex-boyfriend and leaves her fiance to live in “temporary housing.” A place meant for people who don’t usually have “enough money to buy their own couch.”

There we are introduced to the rest of the band of brothers: Gil Bartis (Kal Penn), who tried to sleep with his bloated wife only to find out she was in an affair with a woman; Stuart Strickland (Jerry O’Connell) a broken man who has been ravaged by divorce courts (twice) and enjoys being shirtless (disgusting); and Frank Russo (Tony Shalhoub) a womanizing old man who is not letting his age get the best of him. And ironically enough I preferred seeing Tony’s bare chest more than O’Connell’s.

Carter’s new band of brothers help him get over his recent dumpage and remind him what it’s like to have guy friends again, because apparently all men loose their guy friends once they get into a stable relationship. Oh and Carter was working a dead-end job at his future Father-in-Law’s establishment. The show pretty much sets Carter up as a man who was castrated by his soon to be wife, but even after his awesome nights out with the guys )and he realizes how unhappy he was) he still wants Sara back. Yeah her name was spelled without the H. Anyways, Gil, being the last romantic of the trio, talks to Carter alone and tell him he should fight for Sara if he still missed her so much. Turns out Sara wants Carter back too, and there just happened to be an opening for a wedding at some place. Long story short, the 3 new best friends, who weren’t invited to the wedding because there wasn’t enough room, save the day by removing Carter from his wedding willingly.

Runaway Groom + Friends

I can only assume the rest of the season will be about the life of men who were divorced or recently left by their significant others. It seems like an interesting notion that would only interest a niche crowd of viewers, but it does not. I watched the show with my boyfriend of 22 years of age and my brother of 27 years of age (whom has been married for about 5 years), and I a 23 year old woman (committed in a 2 year long relationship) all enjoyed the show. My boyfriend who doesn’t usually enjoy television (or sitcoms for that matter) really enjoyed the show.

Tony Shalhoub’s return to television albeit a different one, is most certainly an interesting one that he seems to enjoy playing. Penn’s character seems to be a lovable return of Psychologist Kevin who dated Robin from HIMYM, and I am happy to see that. Kevin was a great addition to the HIMYM family, and although I’m a rooter for the B-nasty and R-train, I was sad to see Kevin go. The only character I am unsure about is O’Connell’s, it seems no different than any portrayal of his in any movie, and that stomach of his while in a speedo is just unpleasant.

We Are Men isn’t the best thing to be revealed this season, but it certainly isn’t the worst. What else are you going to watch during that 8:30 time frame? And for it being a pilot, you know the acting was pretty damn good. Here’s hoping that you’ll tune in or watch it online.

Click to watch the pilot episode

Oh, PS, Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is totally the priest at the first ceremony of the episode. It’s a bit part but it makes me chuckle.

Day 1 of BoOctober, 31 days of some sort of horror movie, counting down to the best day of the year, Halloween. Reviews will be taking place in list formation, because when it comes to time, I’ve about as much as an obese person running from the living dead.

I’m the fat man, and that zombie is time.

1.) Zombieland is the prefect movie to watch on the first day of the government lock out, remember that opening scene?

2.) Columbus’ easy breezy list of rules and the clever presentation

• Cardio
• Double tap
• Beware of bathrooms
• Seat belts
• Travel light
• Check the back seat
• Use your thumb
• Limber up
• When in doubt, no your way out
• Enjoy the little things
• Don’t be a hero
• Be a hero

3.) Fun word play/amazing writing

And that’s all before the amazing opening credits! Which clocks in at number

4.) The best opening credits of a zombie film

5.) Woody Harrelson/Tallahassee

6.) The Twinkie Delema

7.) The grosstuitous amount of blood, guts, vomit, and black bile, making it not just comedy, but a real horror movie

8.) Use of that banjo and “You got a pretty mouth”-Tallahasse

9.) Zombie Kill of the week

10.) the irony behind breaking everything in the Indian Gift Shop

11.) Teaching Little Rock how to drive and her explanation of Hannah Montana

12.) The overall excitement Columbus has about who you’re gonna call

13.) Actually the entire Bill Murray scene set

14.) Underneath the Horedy there is a real emotional element under Zombieland

15.) The characters pulling some blatantly stupid bull shit like turning on an entire amusement park. Like really? But it had to be done I suppose.

16.) Why would a motorcycle ever be a smart move?

17.) When Columbus runs for cover from the zombies in a haunted house in the amusement park

18.) Really just all the irony in this movie

19.) The happy ending, for everybody

For a full list of Zombieland rules, see the below poster. You’re welcome.

Survival tips

H@TEOTS

Day 2 of BoOctober features House at the End of the Street. A horror thriller currently offered on Netflix. (This is a first time watch.)

1.) Whoa, can we talk about the music at the beginning of this movie? Straight out of Friday the 13th.

2.) So this girl is a modern day Ronald DeFeo Jr.? Real original.

3.) Why would renting go down in a house next to the double homicide house?

4.) Could Lawrence be any more of a party poop? Geeze Why does her character already have to be a sad, emotionless teenager who hates where she moved to, how cliche.

5.) ‘Your parents got killed” why do people always phrase “got killed?” It is the worst phrase ever.

6.) Off course the bat-shit killer daughter is still alive and her older brother is looking after her, and drugs her.

7.) Why would you tell her about the new neighbor? That’s just giving her incentive to go fucking kill her.

8.) Carrie Ann’s parents were drug addicts? Of course, because for a horror movie to be plausible today, some characters have to be hard core drug addicts right?

9.) Well obviously we wouldn’t have a movie if  that murderous bitch Carrie Ann didn’t get out of her locked room and Lawrence didn’t open the back door to check on noises.

10.) Why is Sarah (Elissa’s mom) such a huge bitch? Ohmyfuckinggod

11.) That tree does not look like a face, it looks like a vagina.

12.) Why does Carrie Ann’s brother have a baby monitor in the room that she’s locked up in? You want her to hear you making out with some girl?

13.) Hold up, were they making out to a song that Elissa was supposedly the singer of?

14.) What you accidentally killed your own sister, Ryan? Why would you not have her drop the knife immediately? So um, what exactly is left for the rest of the movie now?

15.) Oh I see, Ryan actually goes to the battle of the bands at the high school and ends up getting beat to shit. Poor guy, he was a nice guy.

16.) Lawrence, why would you go down them creepy stairs, just to reveal that the sister didn’t really die?

17.) What’s with those eyes?  why…… Oh fuck. Whose the girl in the basement? Peggy Johns? Why did Ryan steal a girl from Penn State?

18.) Props to the cop actually pulling out his gun. But he’s still incompetent, how does this always happen?

19.) Okay Lawrence, that dead cop still has a perfectly good radio, why has no body called for back up yet?

20.) Sarah, why would you not arm yourself when you went over there? You’ve been so unsure about the boy this whole time. The fuck you thinking? Don’t matter now, you’re gonna die from loss of blood.

21.) Don’t make so much noise trying to turn on your torch, that’s horror etiquette number one.

22.) House at the End of the Street is a bad movie, and the title is irrelevant. Don’t watch this movie.

Bonus reason, it’s a rip off of Sleepaway Camp. Which I will now most likely watch tomorrow.

Day 3 of BoOctober and I am viewing the movie based on the 1973 book by Lois Duncan, I Know What You Did Last Summer. All of these reasons do not support the title of this article, but many of them do.

1.) So that man that the teenagers eventually “kill” looked like he was contemplating suicide, How is there even a movie?

2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character of Beauty Queen is a sarcastic look at teenager’s perspectives at a brightly lit future.

3.) “Dawson’s” Beach is mentioned

4.) Lenard Hofstadter is in this movie and he is a jerk.

5.) The 4 original cast members sit around and dissect the urban legend of the man with the hook at makeout point

6.) Sex scene between Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Bewbitt in the beginning is pretty surprising considering their the final pairing in the film. Jennifer’s character is presented as the almighty virgin, When clearly, she is not.

7.) Lol, Freddie you didn’t hit a dog. It was the drunk fisherman you hit man, he’s all bloodied up.

8.) The girls seem to be the only smart ones in this very bad situation.

9.) Ryan Phillippe‘s character exclaims that they should treat the “dead” fisherman as a “lunatic with hook for a hand” which is what the killer eventually becomes, and is the same urban legend they spoke about earlier.

10.) 90s Nostalgic overload.

11.) Obligatory black character is Jennifer Love’s eventual roommate. I wonder if Scream 2 stole that from this 1997 horror film that came out one year earlier.

12.) Exact secret revealing note: “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!” But that single exclamation point really pulls away from the heaviness of that note. It should have ended in a period. Or maybe even a skull and bones, I think that would drive the point home so much more.

13.) “Start having a great life” is playing in the background right before we see how shitty Sarah the Beauty Queen’s life has gone to shit.

14.) Bewbitt will now always remember the day she lost her virginity as the day she killed a man, what a bummer, but not the first time it’s happened in a slasher flick!

15.) What reason does the killer have for killing Lenard Hofstadter? He didn’t kill anyone. He wasn’t even in the car! Poor guy, all he ever did was like the wrong girl. Same thing happened to Randy in Scream 2.

16.) Bitch! (Sarah) Why aren’t you locking your door?

17.)  This movie does a great job of foreshadowing and symbolism. Probably from the movie being based off of a teen novel.

18.) The original.

19.) A rain slicker as a disguise is actually really clever, considering it takes place in a fishing town. Those slickers are everywhere,

20.) For the movie being rated R, I think they kept the blood to a minimum, which is very lame.

21.) Sarah’s character actually removes her shoes to run away from the killer. Whoa, kudos to that being thought through.

22.) Clever writing to have a marching band and fireworks going off while Sarah’s character struggles with the killer and eventually loses.

23.) When Jennifer is cornered into the boat out at sea, the dock isn’t that far away, don’t you know how to swim? Wouldn’t it make more sense to jump into the water and swim back to shore?

24.) Anytime a girl holler’s a guy who’s getting attacked’s name, it ends horribly, why you screaming their name? Freddie’s character was obviously doing fine before you screamed “RAY!”

25.) Jennifer why are you screaming? They are already dead, when you discover the dead bodies in the ice, you’re just giving away your hiding position, have you never played hide and seek?

26.) Jennifer really does become a scream queen in this film. Bravo!

27.) This movie is all about poetic justice

28.) Cheesiest dialogue ever happens after Freddie and Jennifer kill the killer. “I understand your pain.” What a load of crack.

Day 4 of BoOctober and I’m watching the zombie film that laid ground to all other horror films; George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968).

1.) Johnny should have listened to the rest of that broadcast when the radio station came back on. You don’t just not listen to a radio after it blacked out on air for a period of time. Unless it’s playing Miley.

2.) “They’re coming to get you Barbra” while an actual zombie is staggering in the background is completely priceless.

1/3 most memorable lines

3.) Barbra loses her shoes while running away from zombies. Good move on losing the heels Barb.

4.) It’s a bit surprising that a zombie used a brick to break open a window of a car.

Was she a brick house, zombie? Was she?

5.) The era of the slow staggering zombie. Back when people could outrun them, which is just plain wonderful.

6.) For Barbra being one of the first scream queens, not only did she ditch the heels, but she also armed herself with a knife, how smart is she? Pretty damn smart.

7.) The Zombies are pretty damn smart in this film too, they know to break the headlights of a car and stuff. Even though these are slow staggering zombies, they plan ahead.

8.) Don’t suggest to turn on all the lights, that’s grade A foolishness. Now all dem zombies will come to the house.

9.) The most infamous line: “The killers are eating the flesh of the people they murder.” Was uttered by the man on the radio.

10.) Naked zombie walking around = she must have been showering

Pictured: What happens in a horror movie when you decide to take a shower.

11.) Its surprising that Judy is so trusting to go down to a cellar with a possible infect. Trust is always a huge theme in zombie films and Night of the Living Dead regards it in a completely different manner in the beginning

12.) Mr. Cooper is the original D.I.C.K.

13.) Does the movie take place in Penn. or Ohio? The newscast on TV had Youngstown across it, if it’s Ohio, (my home state) I will shit myself.

14.) “Kill the brain, and you kill the ghoul.” First zombie flick AND doesn’t mention the word zombie.

This movie depends a lot on tv/radio newscasts, but it does it in a phenomenal manner.

15.) There is the classic aerial view of looking at all the zombies from up above, staggering in cornfields.

16.) Oddly enough, the black man isn’t the first to die, but the lone survivor that is then mistaken to be a “ghoul” and shot in the head.

17.) One horror movie with no happy ending. No survivors.

Deaths:

Pictured: death by Trowel

• 1 by blast to the head
• 2 by explosion in the car
• 1 by shot gun during a trust struggle
• 1 by tripping, falling, and then not moving at all, was murdered with a trowel by her own zombiefied daughter.
• Barbra is taken out of the hose by her zombiefied brother Johnny which is super ironic.

Day 5 of BoOctober and I am watching one of my top 3 favorite Halloween movies of my childhood: Earnest Scared Stupid. Although the movie came out in 1991, It is a staple of my years as a child and even as a young adult I look forward to watching it every year.

1.) The opening segment has clips from old black and white movies which is too funny because the audience for these movies, had no idea what they were from.

My fave actor as a child

2.) Earnest’s dog is named Rimshot which is that final sound the drum makes after a punchline, the “ba ba skisss.”

3.) There is no possible way Earnest’s spine could have survived the garbage truck compactor in the beginning of the movie.

4.) Old Lady Hackmore is the second best character in the film. She is one woman you do not want to cross, and she voices Esma from The Emperors New Groove. 

You do not want to mess with Miss Hackmore

5.) For a child’s movie, the editing skills are clever and well above that of a child’s movie.

6.) As an adult, I now realize that Earnest has multiple personality disorder, he’s not just a creative extrovert.

An MP

7.) “This is a tree to die for” which i ironically becomes later.

8.) There is no possible way that tree house could be built in one day, even with Earnest’s multiple personalities helping.

9.) Earnest yells “Boy I shure hope you’re from Keebler!” to the troll, which is funny because those are actually elves.

10.) I also now realize Earnest is classified as the town nut.

11.) The Tulip Bros are conniving ass holes that rob the poor mentally disabled of all their hard earned money.

Pictured: Taking advantage of the less fortunate

12.) I always felt I could relate to Miss Hackmore because we’re both Geminis.

13.) I unfortunately understand the parent’s point of view and how they find it funny that the kids enjoy spending time with Earnest so much.

14.) Earnest’s unbreakable body makes him out to be a real life cartoon.

15.) When all of the town adults call Earnest a child and immature, it is a giant clue to Earnest being the hero with the “heart of a child.”

16.) Rimshot drives a car, and I still find this incredible impressive.

17.) When Earnest gets stuck in giant tin can, Miss Hackmore has to use a giant can opener to get him out, and I love that use of props.

18.) I still call milk because of the following line:  ”AUTHENTIC HUNGARIAN MIAK!”

“Thought I wouldn’t find any this time of year, didn’t ya?!”

19.) To this day, I still apologize to my mom after a fight because of the scene Miss Hackmore witnesses with the mom and daughter fighting, and she realizes what unconditional love is.

20.) The trolls in this movie, are legitimately scary. Which means there were some great movie make-up happening behind he scenes.

“think of a number, 1-10. Was it 2?”

21.) The scene where the adults are being terrorized by the trolls while in Halloween costumes, is priceless.

22.) This movie is a constant reminder for me to treat people kindly, even when they are a complete troll. Which is probably the best scene in the movie, when Ernest dances around with the top dog.

Although this post may be small, I dedicate it to the great man that was Jim Varney and he made my childhood a bit brighter. One of the greatest child genre actors was taken from this world from lung cancer in February of 2000 at the age of 50.

1.) That opening Locker scene was filled with so much tits, bush, and ass, I thought I popped in a porno. I distinctly remember everyone trying not to see each others body changing for gym, not to mention we were never given enough time to shower afterwards.

I could not find a better photo, but the movies on Netflix, go hunting.

2.) My sexual education program wasn’t the best, but I know none of us girls flipped the fuck out when we saw blood coming out of our hoo-ha.

Why didn’t you tell her momma?

3.) Even my principle wouldn’t fuck up a student’s name that many times.

4.) Girls were mean as shit, but they weren’t writing “Carrie White eat shit” on gym walls.

5.) If those girls in athletic detention realized all that exercise was helping them get in shape for prom, they would all shut the fuck up.

6.) Girls might of been giving blow jobs, but they wouldn’t be able to keep saying “Billy” with a mouthful of cock.

7.) You could go to prom without a date. What misogynistic bull shit.

8.) Get-r-Done was actually uttered by every dumb ass jock boy in the school

I bet you didn’t know that JT said that phrase

9.) I don’t recall seeing that much THO at my prom with anyones dirty pillows.

10.) No small town school gets a band for prom, ever.

11.)  No girl would wear a baseball cap to prom, that’s just silly.

12.) Everyone did not clap that damn much when king and queen were revealed, holy damn.

13.) I sure as hell didn’t have some telekinetic shy girl get drenched in blood and go ape shit on everyone, especially only when a few of them deserved it.

This didn’t happen

And this certainly didn’t happen

So in conclusion, are you guys pumped for Carrie (2013) being released tomorrow? I am, I’ll be watching and eventually posting.

Carrie Poster

The remake Carrie does a pretty good job of updating a movie that was once remade previously in 2002, and my general consensus is that it is a great movie in the fact that it is a campy horror movie, but with a rocketed high budget. The new Carrie, doesn’t outdo the original or the previous remake, but it does vamp it up for today’s horror fans, and pays tribute to King’s original story a bit better, thanks to that bigger budget. The following is a comprised list (from memory) of changes that made the film fun, but also sometimes worse.

1.)Julianne Moore did an even more frightening job of portraying a religious nut who thought she was given a cancer by laying with a man and dying when really she was just pregnant and giving birth.

2.) Where the hell did all my tits and bush go? They don’t think today’s audience would appreciate or be mature enough to think they paid $10 for a porno? They have the audacity enough to include a sex scene, (but that scene does come into play for the plot line later) but can’t show us some tits and (what would now be) shaved? And water volleyball? The fuck, not even slutty suits for us.

3.) I’m a bit upset about the period scene, no nekked 18 year olds, and no nekked Chloë Grace Moretz. “Plug it up” is still used though. (I have now been informed that Chole is only 16. This would be why she is not naked, but hey in my illogical defense, every girl in the original was like in their mid-twenties and the gym teacher was like 28.)

Why you wearing a towel, Chloe, you watched the original.

4.) They switch the poem reading, and make the English teacher out to be an even bigger dick than the principal, whose actually not that dickish. He only screwed up Carrie’s name once.

5.) Carrie knows her shit about the bible, and does stick up to her mom more in this installment. She has a backbone, which is different, but you feel like there’s more character depth thanks to it.

6.) Much of the movie’s script is word for word from the original. And either you love it or hate it, I personally enjoyed it.

7.) Magic Powers. Carrie “googles” magic powers when she’s learning about what the fuck she is doing, I found this adorable.

8.) Chloe portrays her powers with her hands, while Sissy Spacek used her eyes, this is an acting choice I do not approve of.

9.) The bully couple (Chris and Billy Nolan, originally John Travolta)  are no longer comical, but sinister and a real representation of how shitty high school kids can be today.

10.) “Dirty Pillows” did happen, but I did not see enough T.H.O. for my satisfaction. But the dress is beautiful.

There was no real close up

11.) So, when we first see the pigs blood scene, it’s unsatisfying, but then the director Kimberly Peirce included a second shot (to make sure she got it right) which I enjoyed. But then she did it a third time, and that is when the film went from being borderline campy, to full on marshmallows over the bonfire. I think she could have just done a triple side by side split screen to accomplish what she wanted. 

12.) The chaotic prom scene was done incredibly well, I laughed and clapped at the wonderfully creative deaths that happened, but it took the longest fucking time to get to the pay off. One bitch catches a flame, and all I can think is, we wait all our lives to have a chance to stop drop and roll, and you don’t even take it. The movie is 100 minutes long, and the climax is certainly prom night, and it sometimes dragged to get us there. Although the scenes that take place with Carrie in her prom dress are beautifully done, establishing a needed connected-ness to Carrie and the audience which has to be there for the rest of the movie.

This shit was pure gold

13.) They include a set of bitch twins, they get trampled to death in the prom scene, and it was prefect.

14.) They don’t kill the gym teacher, I don’t know how I feel about that.

15.) After Carrie makes it impossible to exit the gym, because she has created the floor into an electric slide, she flies. SHE FUCKING FLIES. I am not happy with that. This entire time, she is able to move other objects with her mind, bitch shouldn’t be able to fly.

They pan down, but bitch is flying right here.

16.) The entire high school ends up in flames, pretty damn quickly, which is unbelievable but awesome, and Carrie doesn’t end up murdering the entire prom, which was disappointing. They also includes that part of town going up in flames, which is from the novel. I approve.

Town a flame

17.) The bully-car-death scene is amped up, and so much better than just a simple car flip. I actually applauded this scene with it’s gory detail.

18.) The heroine, Sue Snell (the reason Carrie ends up at the prom), is pregnant, which is from King’s original story.

19.) “Crazy Carrie” was used instead of “Creepy Carrie.”

All in all, Carrie was a fun horror flick to watch during October. It will certainly make it into my prom movie season as a new top dog. Just don’t expect the wheel to be reinvented.